I dont like being at home anymore I can't take it

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My wife was diagnosed with incurable cancer 10 years ago and was expecting to live no longer than 18 months.

It's great she is still alive.  Her pain and side effects are bad.

I have to work to pay the bills the problem is I'm no longer happy at home, normally when I'm going to work she will be crying because of the pain.  When I come home she will complain about how bad the day is.

Don't get me wrong, I would probably be exactly the same.

It's getting me so down much I don't feel like coming home, I find myself either working late, driving around or just parking up.  I've had no social life for the last 10 years, no friends come round and i'd  feel guilty if I did go out.

I'm the lowest I've ever been, I can't leave I'd feel everyone would think I'm a terrible person but I can't go on anymore.

As bad as it is for my wife I feel my life has just been wasted.

  • Hi CeraMick.I’m sorry you are feeling so low.Does your  wife know how unhappy you are ? You need to be able to go out/have friends without feeling guilty.I looked after my disabled mother for over 15 years and many times I felt as you do.Is there someone you can talk to either medically or at work ? Unburdening yourself is a start and may be they can come up with suggestions to make life bearable again.I was able to get some carers in for my mum so I could spend time doing something for myself and that really helped.May be speak to your doctor ? Best wishes Jane 

  • No, I don't have anyone to talk to, my wife is physically able to a degree, she can get dressed and get around the house, it's just everything is so difficult and she can't do anything that I would want to do

  • I could certainly be wrong, but it sounds like the cancer has become your life. Firstly, it is so fantastic she has made it to ten years, but it must also be very difficult not just for her, but clearly for you.  What you are writing is something I fear being someone with terminal cancer. I worry about the toll it will take on my loved ones. It is incredibly important for you to get support of some kind, but more so I think to have open communication with your wife. Being a carer is no easy task and self care is essential. I assume when you married her she was cancer free, and no one in those early days imagines having to care for their loved one, even if we do say it in our vows. We imagine all the happy and exciting things we could do in the future, but life throws us curve balls like this.  Your life hasn't been wasted, maybe it just seems like it has been nothing but cancer, cancer, cancer.  Your message tells me something, it tells me you need to reconnect with friends, you need to find yourself again, and you need a little break from caring. There are organisations that support carers, no doubt Macmillan can give you advice too. I can also say with certainty that there are others that think the same way as yourself, so you're not alone.  You did a good thing talking about this, it's never good to keep things bottled up, but now it is time for you to get some proper support Slight smile

  • No I wasn't married, I gave up everything, I moved from where I lived to be with her and it was her dream to get married, don't get me wrong I was ok with all that, but now the good times are very limited and it's just do hard to live with

  • Enjoy the few good times as if they were made of gold dust :) Forgive me if I am wrong, but intimacy might also be difficult and a key part of a relationship. Having depression will prevent you from seeing any positives, but once you get the help, it should get a bit easier. Remember, communication is key :)

  • I'm not depressed  when I leave the house om fine, being at home is the problem

  • I here a lot about there's lots of help out there, but in reality there is no help, nobody is really interested.

  • Hi  

    I'm very sorry to read about your life as it is at the moment. It must feel as though it is constant work, whether that is at home or at employed work. That is not a healthy balance and if continued, could lead to health problems for yourself. It is difficult for me to advise as I'm not sure of your wife's capabilities and the stage of her illness. I would say though that she needs a pain management plan by the GP.

    Can I ask you to call the Macmillan helpline, they will give you lots of helpful advice, both for yourself and for your wife. This situation needs to be turned around for you but you need to know where to look for help and the staff on the support line are excellent. I very much hope that your situation improves for you but you need to take steps to do so. Avoidance is only going to make your problems bigger. Best regards to you and your wife.

    A x

    What is a Community Champion?

    I am a Macmillan volunteer. 

    Macmillan Support Helpline

    0808 808 00 00 

    7 days a week between 8am -8pm

  • To be honest Macmillan have been absolutely anonymous, I hear they are ok st the very end but other than that offer little help

  • I think you need to be a bit more proactive in your approach. Your situation won't change if you continue to avoid it. Please ring the helpline and I hope you change your mind. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but please be mindful that you are on a Macmillan forum run by Macmillan staff and volunteers.

    What is a Community Champion?

    I am a Macmillan volunteer. 

    Macmillan Support Helpline

    0808 808 00 00 

    7 days a week between 8am -8pm