Feeling down

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I know I come here alot when I'm down but I'm down alot and have no one. I dreed getting up each day the weather is bad even if it wasnt I dont want to go out as I cant afford to get sick this close to starting treatment . I am all over I dont know how to feel. I feel angry, disappointed, scared , like a failure I just dont know. This sitting around all the time waiting and no one to wait with .. I'm so lonely and sad I just dont know.. I dont know how to feel or who to talk to.

They say call the support line and talk but that really doesnt help any to be honest . Sometimes I just wish I'd not wake up. I know that sounds horrible but I just dont know anymore. I dont feel I have any friends that arent online none of my family are here just my kids and they have lifes and the 2 that are at home.well ones a gamer and the other we dont get alone with each other. I just want to feel normal or something close to it. Cant go out cause may get chest infection and if that happens i want get treatment started.. i feel like it's a losing battle no matter what i do. 

  • Hi  

    The weather certainly doesn’t help, does it? I think we can all identify with all the different feelings and being alone can just make things more difficult for us. I understand that as I’m disabled and also stuck in the house alone all day.

    I try to distract myself, and I don’t just sit and think. Sometimes it’s binge watching box sets, playing a game on the iPad or concentrating on colouring in. Anything really. For those times of being anxious I know I can just go to a mindfulness app on my phone, listen to music, have some background noise.

    I’ve suffered from anxiety, and that was helped by meds, I’ve done counselling. But I’ve also learned over the years that we have to try to help ourselves too, so I try to do that. Not saying it’s easy because it isn’t and it’s a work in progress for me even now, more than 5 years from my diagnosis, having gone through chemo, radiotherapy and major surgery.

    I try to count my blessings and look for something every day that will make me smile and/or give me pleasure. Sometimes it’s just the simple things. And I always try to look for the silver linings in a situation that seems sometimes bleak-might be hard to find, but it will be there. Today I’m thankful that despite living in a town which has been badly damaged by flooding, my house is ok, we have power, we are ok. 

    I don’t get any visitors so have learned to occupy myself. Have you got anything that could keep you busy and help keep you from thinking too much about the negative stuff? 

    Sarah xx

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  • I like playing the sims 4. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do when I play. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think alot of my ainexity and such comes from that . What in my head I'm supposed to be doing as an adult and what I can actually do without winding myself to bad. I managed to take the bin out earlier and catch the bin men. I know I have to turn it around but dang it's hard sometimes.  I just want it to be sunny for 20 minutes so i can feel it on my face.  I see a doc about radiotherapy on the 8th of November.  I have a 19 yr old and a 17 yr old at home with me but the younger is my son and hes a gamer and doing gaming in college and the 19 yr old remembers me when I'm in the hospital and shes trying to do everything and crying because shes alone but doesnt visit with me when I'm home. Thank you for responding today I needed to hear ya..

  • Please don’t feel guilty about playing the Sims! I play all sorts, even Tetris and I’m 61.  I can’t take the bin out, so already you’re one up on what I can do.Joy

    I’m aware you had surgery not long ago, so focus on recovering from that-being an adult can wait till you’re stronger. It’s fine to look after yourself and do what you need to do-some might consider that selfish, but I absolutely don’t. I have found over the years that I need to do what’s right for me-it can put me in a much better mindset to deal with everything else, and that’s important.

    Your kids are young adults who should be taking responsibility for themselves and trying to understand and appreciate that you need help at this time. You’re not failing because of that-you just need more from them right now I think. 

    It can help to keep talking like you have done here-when you’re on your own you can feel vulnerable and it’s good to connect with others, even online like this. I’m around a lot during the day-always here for a chat if you need someone. I understand the fear of a cancer diagnosis, what it’s like to go through treatment and beyond and how much anxiety can get the better of you. 

    You will also get help from the members who will have gone through the same type of radiotherapy as you are having-mine was to my pelvis so different, but some of the factors can be the same-fear of the unknown, fear of it working, all of that. I found once treatment started I was much less anxious and felt I was getting on with things which were going to make me better. 

    Keep your chin up and keep chatting! 

    Sarah xx

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  • Will it get easier? I just hate trying to do things and sending up winded and feeling like I'm struggling to breath. I read your profile and your an amazing women. You've come so far and can still try to help someone like me whose wallowing in self pity. I have my kids but it's not the same as a friend or a husband or my mom and aunts.. there I go again. Half of Texas is praying for me to recover good. That's where my family are. I was hoping to go back one day as soon as my kids hit adulthood. And now this has put a bit of a damper on it. I have a dream though and its not much but you can wild camp in America so hoping for a tent a sleeping bag and a little job to be able to eat and I want to live on the beach I grew up going to.. it's not much but I'll take it.. dang C jumped in my life.. I prayed for a way to help me stop smoking i stopped alright havent touched a cigg sense I found out in june two days after my 55th bday.  I'm just rambling because I want someone to talk to that's going through this or been through it.  Someone to help me see that silver lining.. I hope you have a wonderful evening.  


  • Hey Brandie

    I really hope things get easier for you as you go through this. I was very determined from the day I got diagnosed that I would give this my best shot and I said to myself every single day “I will be well”. My consultant said he was treating me to cure me and I held onto those words. 

    Was any of it easy? No, it wasn’t. Was it worth it? Yes it was. I’m not really amazing-I’m just one of many people here who didn’t want to give in. 

    When I was first diagnosed, I just wanted to run out of that room-I can still remember that feeling, that whole day, shaking with shock. I was SO shocked, but all I said was “how can you help me?”  I didn’t cry or break down but I came home and even though it was late morning, I poured a large vodka! That was my way of dealing with the news. From that day, I decided I was going to do my very best not to give up or give in. 

    We are all guilty of feeling self pity. I had a whole week of that last week, and lots of tears over small things. We’re only human, and sometimes life is just really tough. We don’t feel positive, and everything seems a bit bleak. Then I spoke to some ladies I know online and I realised my situation wasn’t nearly as bad as theirs, and I gave my head a shake and dragged myself out of the hole I’d dug for myself. 

    Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t do as much right now-you’ve not long had surgery and you need to give your body time to heal and get ready for the next lot of treatment. I didn’t do anything this afternoon because I was cold! So, got under my heated blanket, curled up with my cat and I just played my games online, remembered to drink water (I’m always forgetting) and just relaxed. Jobs can wait for another day. I don’t feel guilty at all. 

    You have a dream you want to follow-keep that at the front of your mind so you have the goal of that simple life in America. Picture it in your mind, think about how it will feel. That’s what I do. I try to have something to look forward to, and aim to get it. So far, apart from winning the lottery, I have achieved each goal I set-returning to Bali a year to the day from my diagnosis was the first big thing. I was diagnosed the day we were due to fly there, so I promised myself I would go after my treatment and I did!

    I always dreamed of getting to the Maldives, so that was my goal for my 60th and that’s where I was last year on my birthday, on a boat trip watching sharks as the sun set. I got the villa on the beach I’d always dreamed of. 

    Most of the time of course it’s smaller goals but set them for yourself and work towards them. For my 32 sessions of radiotherapy I took myself away in my mind to walking along the beach, paddling in the sea, while I visualised those invisible rays blasting my cancer away. 

    You have already achieved your goal to give up smoking and that’s a huge achievement you should be proud of. You did that, YOU! You’ve got through your surgery and you’re recovering-another huge step along the way. The next challenge is radiotherapy. You can get through that too, you just need to believe you can and you will. Once you start your treatment it becomes less scary, and you just take one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to, you keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going, no matter how slowly. Every step is progress. That’s the silver lining right there. Each day will be a day closer to finishing your treatment. 

    You have the goal of seeing your family in Texas again, so you need to work to achieve that and they are all rooting for you. It’s not going to be easy but it gets easier as you go along. Keep looking for the little things right now you can get pleasure from. You can learn to find them. Sometimes for me it’s something like a hot chocolate with whipped cream, listening to the birds in the garden, cuddling with my cat. Simple things. 

    I’m rambling on now so will stop but have a think about things. I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you how I dealt with my cancer, and what helped me through. Please don’t think I’m always positive or smiling-I’m not! But the thing is I try my best, and that’s all any of us can do. 

    Sarah xx

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  • Goodmorning I think the weather is always so horrible.. honestly I get gloomy during the winter but does it have to rain to .. just to make it extra gloomy I guess.. hope today finds u well. I'm trying to be somewhat cheerful it isnt happening to be honest only cause weather so bad..Its the one thing i cant stand in UK is the winter weather..  rain rain go away dont come back for a few days..lol 

  • Hi Frazzled. Sorry about our British weather. Other Europeans complain about it too. I hate this Winter nonsense myself. One tip which works for me when I have a bad day: I look at my list of things to do, and pick out something horrible (e.g. cleaning car, or sorting my accounts) and I tackle that. My logic is: I am going to have a horrible day anyway so it can't get any worse so I might as well do something tedious, then have a nice tea and go back to bed. That's another day that I've got through, and hopefully the next day I feel better. Sometimes it gets my stress out of my system too - swearing at the vacuum cleaner or the computer. Best wishes, and I think your plans for camping and living at the beach sound fantastic.

  • Thank you I need to tackle the electric company but will probably put it off till tomorrow.  If it will just stop raining I have some shopping I need to do and I cant risk getting sick this close to starting treatment.  So I atleast need the rain to stop for a minute.. I like that logic on thinking bad day deal with bad stuff. I hate my bedroom so am sleeping g on couch which is making me not like my living room I already hate the couch as it is.. just rambling now. Sorry..

  • Hi Brandie

    Oh, I hate rain-it means my mobility scooter doesn’t work outside. Been out for a hospital appointment, then for shopping but had to use my wheelchair which isn’t so handy! Home now and it’s very gloomy. It’s definitely harder to be cheerful when it’s like this, and it’s cold. I think I should have been born somewhere warm! 

    Nice cup of coffee then I’m going to get warmed up by getting a few chores done before I can sit down properly and relax. 

    Is there anything you could do to make you like your bedroom better? I got a new storage unit a few days ago which inspired me to have a clear out and reorganisation of everything. I’ve put out some candles and a wax melt burner so that when I am in there it’s a much nicer environment, relaxing and cosy. 

    Sarah xx

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  • Hi Frazzled. I know how you feel, and I've been there many times. The need to just sit and talk, or more importantly, to be hugged/cuddled is so basic to our needs but seems to be so lacking in others. All I can do is to offer my support - we do care for you!