Cant shake it

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Theres people on here and my 5 kids, wonderful work colleagues, support lines and nothing seems to make me feel better. I feel like the doctors have disappeared. I feel like a bad person cause others have it much worse then whatever is going on with me now the lungs been removed. I had back problems and I did stretches when laying flat on my back that I feel like I heard I'm not supposed to lay flat on my back and to be honest its killing me my legs hurt from the stupid circulation socks and it's making my mind go in bad places feeling this uncomfortable. I hate baths so one good thing about going home Tuesday is I have a shower and I cant wait..most of the scab is gone. Thing is I'm scared cause I want to run away and change my no one can ever find me again so I can have a new life or just lay down and give up which is what I feel like doing... I want as I believe in God and need that tiny peice of heaven he has reserved for me . The thing is I wish hed take me to that little peice of heaven now instead of later..

  • Hi Frazzled

    Sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment. Although you have all these people around you, the cancer has happened to you and you have had to face something that really scared you. I remember how frightened you were before your operation, but you faced it and got through it. Well done.

    It is normal to feel down sometimes after going through such an experience and well done for getting this far, admitting when you needed help and to taking on all the advice about calling the Support Line, speaking with your Macmillan Buddies and doing all that you can to help yourself.

    I know that you were having worries about going home but maybe once you are there you can continue with recovering in your own space. Be good to be able to have a shower in your own home. Glad that the scab is almost gone- that should begin to make things feel more comfortable I would imagine, and stop it rubbing on your clothes.

    How long do you need to keep the circulation socks on? I only had to wear them for 24 hours but found them really uncomfortable and the relief when I could take them off. It can't be much longer now. 

    When I had my surgery, after the first week, I did not hear from my doctors as it was more patient led- but I could contact my CNS if there was a problem. Enhanced recovery it was called at my hospital. In a way, I preferred it as to recover, really the important thing is to give it time. I did call them a couple of times but it wasn't until I had post op pathology come back at 3 1/2 weeks that I spoke to my doctor. Then it was at around 6 weeks post op that I was called in to talk about further treatment. During that time I did contact my GP a couple of times.

    Have you spoken to your GP about feeling so low? Maybe they can look at prescribing something just to help lift your mood a little so that you feel a bit more able to deal with things. Cancer does not only affect us physically but mentally as well.

    Please don't give up now as you have come so far from that lady who first posted on here, anxious about everything. What I found helped was trying to chose one thing a day that I could do, sit out in the garden, pop to the shops, pop into see friends at work, invite a friend over for a coffee. Getting outside always helped. Lucky in where I live that there are close walks that I can do. I remember the first time I felt able to meet a friend for a coffee - it felt a huge step in my recovery but did me so much good.

    Also I found I felt worse if I just stayed in one place and brooded- moving helped a lot- even if it was to get up and walk around the garden, chat over the fence with a neighbour, even in the early days moving from one room to another, just changing scene. I think as I started to feel more able to be a bit more social- I did feel better in myself. 

    Hang in there- you have come such a long way. I hope you enjoy that first shower and treat yourself to some fancy shower gel and pamper yourself. You have earned it.



    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

  • Hi Frazzled. Just to let you know you are not alone in some of these feelings. My story (womb cancer) was about 6 years ago now but I remember how I had a massive urge to run away. I kept thinking how nice it would be to get a few days in Spain. Even as I was being prepared for surgery I had the urge to jump off the bed and run away (out of the hospital and down the road in gown and bare feet! I don't know how far I would have got. Imagine me being brought back shame-faced by the police or someone). Anyway, I didn't run away, I managed to suppress the urge and I got through the operation. And I remember how I got fed up with the anti-DVT socks. I had to wear them day and night for 4 weeks (it seems to vary per person, they must make some calculation per individual about them) and after about 3 weeks I rang the CNS and begged her to let me leave them off but she was strict so I just had to count down the days until my legs were free. A chore every day... change my socks and wash the other pair and hang them up to dry. Resentfully! There are so many grievances to put up with aren't there. But like jane2511 says, getting through the operation is a big deal in itself so you should remember how strong you have been to manage that. I send you a big hug. Plan yourself a reward for the day the socks come off.

  • It's been 4 weeks on the 6th for the surgery. My discharge papers said 6 weeks for the socks. I hate them. Plus giving myself the shot each night in my stomach.  I'll be ok I think its honestly the way I feel I should beable to live my life now to what the reality is because I have kids like a 28 yr old that's trying to get sober and a 19 yr old whose trying tos tart out and a 17 yr old whose going to uni and all I truly want to do is get a little job and a tent and live on the beach.. that's my life goal now...

  • Not too long for the socks now. I didn't like the injections into my tummy either. So pleased when that bit was over and I was able to get rid of the sharps box. It is hard being a Mum and supporting them all whilst being unwell. It can also be hard to stand back a bit while they become more independent and learn to make their own way in life and take responsibility for themselves. Lots to deal with for you but well done to the 28 yo who is trying to become sober- not an easy thing. Has you 17yo gone left for uni yet?- have seen quite a few of my friends Facebook posts in the last couple of weeks with their children off to uni. 

    A tent on the beach sounds lovely- but in the summer- not so sure it would be so great Jan/feb time! 

    Focus on yourself as much as you can and getting home and over this surgery. Work etc can wait. I am a year post treatment now for my cancer/chemo/radiotherapy and I am still not at work. It takes longer to recover than you think sometimes. Having said that I now have days where I feel I could possibly get a little job- just not what I did before.

    I believe you have some further treatment coming up so that's your main thing to deal with. Break it all down- one step at a time otherwise it can feel so overwhelming. 

    Hope it goes well tomorrow when you are back in your own home and enjoy that shower!



    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

    • I hope it goes well to . The 17 yr old is finishing his last yr of college then off to uni he goes..I'm trying to look forward to going g home but I'm not really.. getting ready now though.. will write more later..
  • It's been ok still a bit more depressed about being home. Breathing is getting easier though that's a good thing. 

  • Chin up Frazzled. These are hard times but you are 1 day further forward than you were yesterday.

  • Yes I am and the walk I took with my dog wasnt a long one but an accomplished one so that was nice. I want to take her now but not sure about going on my own especially if she goes after a bird or another dog it might hurt a bit when she jerks me.. but it's another day for more accomplishments 

  • Well done for taking the dog out for a walk. That is a big accomplishment. When recovering from my surgery I started off with 5 minute walk and built up from that. I always went 5-10 minutes from home so if I felt unwell or panicky, I could get home quickly. It helps mentally- getting out in the fresh air and it builds up your confidence too. Well done


    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

  • Yeah I've done two walks today for some reason have knackered me.. so may or may not again today. It's like every other day I feel great some days feel drained..