Totally alone

Hi Nett. This sounds so hard. You say you felt ashamed to break down crying but please don't feel ashamed, I think anyone would understand that you are under a heavy load. Could you phone the Macmillan helpline? Open 8am to 8pm every day. 0808 808 00 00. If you go to the bottom of this page - the green area - under "About us" you will find "Contact us", click on that to find various ways to contact Macmillan.

Dear Nett, I am so sorry to hear this. What a horrible position to be in. No wonder you're in shock. 

I would echo what LittleRunner says: please don't feel ashamed to cry. Tears are very healing. My counsellor says all feelings are valid, and are better expressed than suppressed. 

I'm sorry Maggie's hasn't got back to you, but perhaps you could go there again. I've found them very helpful and supportive. I usually cry at some point during my visits. One oncology nurse there said crying means coping. It means I'm in touch with my feelings. She said they worry more about people who can't / don't cry. I found that helpful. I thought crying means I'm not coping: she thinks it proves I am ! 

Please be gentle with yourself. Take care xx 

Hi there Nett,. I know it's been a few days since you posted on here so I thought I'd check in and see how you're doing hon.  

I can read that you are very upset and scared plus you are still grieving for your mum too.  You absolutely can access something, there is help out there.  

Did Maggie's ring back in the end?  Have you and your husband been given a community palliative care nurse yet?  They can come from your local hospice or hospital. Sometimes they are funded by Macmillan.  They will listen to you and I hope give you support and refer you on to others too. Lots of local hospices have bereavement services too. You might be able to access those.   

There's also Macmillan phone lines too, they offer all sorts of help.  A phone buddy who rings you on a regular basis, six intial talking support phone sessions and just a normal "hot' line for a emotional crisis.   I hope you and your husband are finding a way through all this with some help xx 

Hello. No I haven't heard from maggies and I haven't the energy to do the 2 bus runs either way  an hour a time. I have a little  dog  can't leave him more than 3 hours  ,ive given up trying for support  for now  as we haven't been told of a support nurse, my husband's  not  wanting to talk, in fact, my husbands way of coping is saying he's not thinking about it and working  as usual, but we've got 20 days of radio therapy coming soon  so don't know what will be then.  I found out myself the macmillan nurse that saw my mother was for our area so I emailed her,, and she made drs appointment for me and they've given me strong antidepressants, when I asked could I call to talk to her she said she was there for my husband and not really to me calling her,,,I have to say on top of maggies that really kicked me in the guts. So I  am just trying to keep myself going, and it us not easy at all, I have my own health things which are all affecting me with stress of it.

Honestly  you're right, I am scared, there's so many things I am scared if I end up alone with,,I m 63,hubby is 59,never been ill,last thing ever expected was to be the one left  behind  ,,and you're right, I am missing mum,and finding all this hard to cope with 

Hi Nett darlin. Haven’t been on here much but just logged in and came across your posts. It seems to me you are in that terrible place that cancer can pull you into. Believe me (you know too) that pull is very strong, but we have to pull back, we simply have to find something positive every day.  Baby steps girl! One tiny step at a time and please keep us up to date on how you are, keep talking darlin there is always someone listening. 

Hi Nett,Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My wife was diagnosed with Metastatic Stage 4 breast cancer just before Christmas '21. I felt that I had had the rug pulled from under Me. It was and still is, an emotional roller coaster. The weeks of shock, pain and feeling frightened are exactly how a lot of us feel when our partners are given this news. Dont be ashamed to break down crying, I did, unashamedly so, and I still do when I think of the future. It is a heavy load that we as carers carry, but carry it we do for the love of our partners. I still struggle with the situation Myself and have thoughts about the future, but I know that i will survive and carry on, as you will because we dig out that inner strength in times when we need it most. As for support from a GP, mine recommended antidepressants too and i refused. This isn't about depression, this is about talking, being open and honest about your feelings and about someone who listens on those good days when things are going well and on not so good days. I really do hope this helps. Take care.x

Hi Nett, it's been about a month since you first posted hon and I'm writing to see how you are, have the antidepressants started working yet?  

This is a long and often practical post to you x

It must make you feel so alone especially as you say you and your husband are a close small unit without too many friends or family to call on.  This may be the scariest thing  for you whilst also you are thinking of your husband's welfare and just how his death may be for him and you, what will happen now to his health and how will you know the signs of him getting worse, how will you cope?  

Firstly don't worry about the tablets as they are temporary things, they may assist in you being able to get up each day if nothing else.  Secondly your husband's cancer consultant and their team should be the ones you can ask/ insist on seeing to ask the difficult but honest questions you need to ask so you can be prepared for what is to come.  Thirdly you should be prescribed/referred to the palliative care community team. They may be Macmillan funded or come from the local hospice (I know I've already said this!)  You yourself can ask your husband's GP for a referral to the team. This person can visit you both and guide you both as well as being a source of information. 

I imagine your husband is still, like you, pretty shocked but you can talk together to deal with this. You mention things you will be left with when he's gone. Practical stuff he has always done in and around the house that you know nothing about.  He can perhaps explain some things to you , make lists hon- of the practical things I've: house insurance info/direct debits/ car tax etc as well as the questions re his illness.  You don't have to be unprepared. Funeral directors can be scary too, maybe your husband has already shared what he would like?  You can always visit them to chat, they are very well trained and I'm sure for this particular aspect of what you're facing they can be of great help.  

Physically there is equipment you can have on loan when he gets weaker to help, district carers can visit to assist him, community palliative care team can visit and liaise with his GP regarding any symptoms he may have such as pain or nausea, perhaps he may want to be cared for in a local hospice/hospital?    

Remember my lovely that the strength you two have and share is what will come into play now as you face this terrible time together.  Being prepared is so important because it enables you to not get too bogged down in the details and to be able to spend quality time together. My heart goes out to you right now so I'm sending a big hug to you xx

Hi Nett, how are things going with you and your husband hon? 

Sending you a virtual hug x

Thank u,can't reply right now 

Thinking of you Nett and hoping that your husband is comfortable and pain free and that you are both able to spend precious time together right now. X