Change of Personality

Hi Blot,

I am really sorry to read about how you are feeling at the moment and I’m hoping that by writing it down it has helped to process the emotions.

I understand the feelings of anxiety. I have problems when I am due to go back to the hospital for check-ups which I am lucky are only every few months now. I think it is because there are so many negative mental associations with that place, it is bound to bring up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. What has helped me is to recognize that it is not the place that is the problem but how I am dealing with my emotions about that place - have you tried talking therapies to help process your thoughts? These have helped me to understand the problem is that I haven’t processed what has happened to me rather than the place itself.

Also, please don’t attack yourself. Your breast is not to blame, no one is to blame. If it helps you to think differently, I can tell you that my cancer is in my blood, so following your logic of blaming the body part, what am I to do? I can’t live without my blood. I hope that you would see that thoughts of attacking the blood as being to blame are clearly nonsensical - so I hope it helps you to see hurting your breast is completely nonsensical too? I think because I have a blood cancer, it has helped me to realize that cancer is/was a part of me, it is me, it is not something I can cut out as a foreign body. It was my cells, me, that started the whole process, not something outside of me if that makes sense? Therefore, it is not going to help thinking about it as something physical, at least not something to physically attack. I am not sure if that is making sense but I hope it might help you think differently about your breast? I I think you probably know that this is all about the processing of emotions rather than the physical body part. In my experience, that takes a long time to work through and I learned the importance of being kind to myself whilst that process happened.  

I really hope that this has helped in some way and that you will find some good ways of processing what has happened to you rather than causing you more hurt.

Wishing you all the very best

Greg

Hi Blot

I have to agree with Greg. Beating yourself up physically or mentally is not a good thing to do, however we all respond differently to our cancers, regardless of the fact that we all have a cancer that fits a group. Be kind to yourself. Good self care is an important part of your treatment

I have prostrate cancer, why I have it, I have no idea. It could have been something I’ve been exposed to in working like, something I’ve been exposed to in my private life. I may have been pre-disposed to it from the moment I was conceived. Who knows. I don’t know, I don’t really care. I’m on a path, hopefully to recovery. Having a family, and wanting to see it’s future is a major driving force. I’ve been through a lot since my diagnosis. It’s just taken three goes to pass my CT planning scan. It was getting me down, but I have to do this. I will not fail in this challenge that life has thrown at me. I had a future. I intend to pick it up,again. It’s mine and cancer will not deprive me of it. 

It just over a week before I start seven and a half weeks of radiotherapy. I’m not sure what’s coming my way, but I intend to be there for every appointment. I had a future, and if it’s sh*t between now and the day I can pick it up again, so what, I’ll do. To quote a phrase from a cancer book I recently read “I’m going to throw the kitchen sink at it”.

So grab your kitchen sink and throw it at it. Hang on in there. You can do it, others have, and I intend to do so too.

Best wishes for your treatment 

Thank you Greg. 

You have definitely helped me with two observations by just changing the perspective, so I thank you for taking the time to repl.

Hey Blot how you doing. Beating yourself up prolly isn't going to change much but hey, if it works for you …...

I guess its that 'Why me' syndrome, what did I do wrong to get this ?

Well nothing, its a roll of the dice, and as for making sense of it all ? Good Luck there.

As for me, I look forward, I don't trouble myself with things I can't change, there's no point and frankly I quite literally dont have the time.

I look in my garden, at the flowers I have planted, and a smile creeps across my face, I look for a smile every day, just something that's good, something that I achieved. I see my kids, and my grandkids as often as I can without being an "Oh no not him again, what shall we say" kinda visitor, and I make the most of each day. There's no point being miserable and negative, it wont change anything and all it WILL do is waste the time you do have.... pretty pointless really ?

Too many guys end up in perpetual negativity, all that will do is seriously mess with your social circle and turn you into a human best avoided.

I like to think my friends see me as a bit of a giggle, slightly off the grid, not your average misery guts, if they ask me how I am, I say I'm fine, why burden them, they cant change it so there's no point. They might become ill themselves at some point and need me lol, so as long as I can waddle on up and down the road and put a smile on peoples faces, I guess what more can you ask for. As for how long you can do it, well, its just a matter of time isn't it, we are all destined to pop off sometime, sooner or later, so we might as well enjoy it while we can, for however long that might be.

Take care, glass half full ;-)

Deleted

Johnty hiya, sorry to hear about your prognosis, and I can understand how that can leave you feeling “Glass Half Empty”.

I guess I am one of those irritating people that always looks for the positive in a situation, recently I had to have a wisdom tooth sorted out, now that’s going to hurt a bit, but at least it won’t be playing me up anymore and finally I get to know what was the cause of the constant discomfort and pain after a couple younger dentists at the practice got it wrong.....  There’s a good example lol.

we all can’t always see the positives, they are there, but sometimes we have to look for them. It’s easy to see the negatives, the positives can take a bit of a search though. Sometimes, as with many things in life, the rewards make the search worthwhile .......

I wish you well, and I hope that you can find one thing today that brings a smile to your face.

I see you are quite active on the community, and I am sure you give many people positivity, now there’s a reason to smile !

Take care xx

Wow Blot and Nosignoflife, what great notes, and it makes me think that the macmillan can be inspiring. If we can hang a line to each other in lets say cloudy days in our journey it might make all the difference.

Glass half full indeed Nosignoflife (thats a bad bad name :-) ) but even with glass half full you will know that it is never that easy - takes courage and perhaps a lot of practise - I'm trying hard and have good days and bad days but they are getting a bit better.  

I was only diagnosed in December 2018 and so very new to all of this. For whatever reason I desperately want now to meet with a bunch of other Cancer sufferers where I can scream, HUG, weep, talk, support, plan, think in a safe environment - does that sound nuts? any ideas?

Terry

Thanks Terry, and I agree. I've not had any support group available where i am and I think that's made a bad situation worse in a way.

I was diagnosed in October and the whole thing has been traumaic.

However, I've decided it's now time to move on. I still feel that i would benefit from group and/or one to one support so I do hope you manage to find some.

Good luck

Terry Hiya, same age group ! hmm you mention my handle...... its poignant ! My cross concerns 3 cardiac arrests .... hence the handle.

But hey ho, its still ticking ..... at least I think it is ...unless I got it catastrophically wrong and this is what happens next ....

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis, the good and bad days, they are normal. Well as 'normal' as a diagnosis like this can be. I kept trying to tell the wife about the normality of it all, but it isn't really is it ?. We humans are kinda programmed to see each day like the last one in terms of no great change. This diagnosis throws that out of the window, and makes you face things from a different perspective.

And by the way wanting a ((((( HUG )))))) isn't such a bad thing, really. That hug can make a world of difference and gives warmth and reassurance that we all need, you and people like my wifey more than others. She has screamed, cried all night, hit out, argued and stamped her feet like a child. It IS normal. It is a great stress reliever, so sure go tell the garden gate what a poo deal you've got and how it isn't fair, coz its not. When I was in hospital I just wanted someone to 'Huggle' me up and tell me its ok, and don't worry, those days have gone ! And if you give yourself a hug, Charles Aznavor style you will definitely get a few weird looks...

It can be hard to face our own mortality or potential therein. I kind of had it thrust upon me a bit out of the blue, no one had the decency to tell me I was ill so it came (can't resist it) as a bit of a shock .....  I don't know if its better that way, or if having the time to dwell is worse.

So you can kinda see why I take each day as it comes, I get out in the rural area where we are lucky enough to live and go face to face with the cows and sheep, they say little but are pretty good listeners. Go get some Brain Space. Then back in to the wife, who, 5 years down the road, still has the legacy of the Chemo, the Anxiety, Neuropathy and the fears. They don't go, but they do dilute over time. Now she smiling again, taking an interest in the garden (she loved the garden before she got ill) and cooking. She is an AMAZING cook, and she's started to get into cooking again. 

So, Glass half full. Look at your options, weigh up the pro's and con's and do what is right for you, no one else. When they said to my wife, nonchalantly, that her chance of survival in the 1st year was X percent we thought well that's higher than zero, so its a positive number, make it a point to get there day by day, and then to the second year and the third and so on. We set ourselves targets, at 6 months go do this, at 1 year go do this and so on. It gives you a purpose, a goal and sets your mind looking forward and not back. 

And when the surgeon said to my wife that her condition was life limiting, I said perhaps we all have a clock ticking, none of us know definitively when it will run out, we owe to ourselves and our family to make the most of it. You could sit back and give in, thinking you only have X months left, but what if you are still around at X+2 or 3 or more. All that time, just wasted, whether we have 1 month, one year 5 years or a 'lifetime' we really ought to make the most of it. Make good memories for ourselves and those around us, at least then we have achieved something and made a point to it all, and at the end of it all, isn't that why we are here anyways ?

Now, where's that glass .....

Take care and always message if you want to 

Dave XX

Hiya Dave, 

I just read your wonderful note you sent back in April and am fairly horrified that I didn't have the courtesy to get back to you. I found your note touching in so many ways, primarily I felt close to it because it was between two people who are experiencing the dreaded 'C' phenomenon in their life, you with your good wife, and me, supported by mine.

I remember in January this year being as close to the gates of hell (in my mind) as I could ever imagine - why me, sadness, self pity, self loathing, fear, loss of any sense of control - and I've been a control freak all of my life.

I must also say though that at times I feel a fraud in all of this as it appears (now I've learned) that my diagnosis has a very optimistic outcome (not curable - a little friend for life with me) file) but 'manageable'. So far I've had numerous biopsies resulting in 5 lesions (horrible word) being removed promptly. I've another two to go and may then have a period of remission. Key to my condition is vigilance. 

I can best some up my situation now as 'feeling somewhat human again'. I've come out of the depths of despair, out of that darkness that nobody can imagine, and am taking an interest in life again. I only think abut 'C' 50 times a day as opposed to 500 times a day in January.

I just loved your point about not wasting time worrying about the future. Don't give away your days. I work hard at it. You never get them back and hey, I'm 66 (you are a mere boy!) and so I've had great innings.

I worry for my wife. WE have decided to keep the situation very private. Our kids and grandkids are moving forward fast in their lives and I se zero upside in telling them. We both agree on this. IT means however that other than each other we have nobody to talk to about, confide in, scream at, weep with. My wife lost her younger sister to Cancer and this has brought it all back to her.  She is a very strong character, but I worry about what is going on in her head. IT has definitely brought us closer.

She actually joked with me that 'she kinda liked this new thing' because I'm more loving towards her and more appreciative of her than I've ever been. My retort is that I always knew she was there for me, just hadn't called on it yet :-)  We are married 40 years and love each other dearly. We have a wonderful home in a beautiful part of Scotland near Edinburgh. I'm probably going to retire this summer partially as a result of all of this.

I'm starting to ramble now, apologies. It just has gushed out of me - so nice to put thoughts into words and then on to paper.

I hope that life is still good for you and that your wife is cooking you up a storm!

Terry