Crying

FormerMember
FormerMember
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My wife has cancer. At the early stages of stage 4 inoperable bowel cancer.

Early stages means not many symptoms,just started chemo.

I'm just wondering if anyone else goes through a thing where they randomly cry.

It seems to have built for about a week, then this morning, I realised - 'I need to cry'

I went to my go to - Goodbye Mr Chips - (not the remake)

that seemed to start me off.

Hugging my wife , made it worse.

I know I'm just letting the emotion out - which is a good thing.

I'm just worried I'm not going to be able to manage and help her the way I need to in the future.

obviously I now need to stop crying at some point ! Slight smile

It's been on an off for about an hour or so.

I guess it's a symptom of ongoing stress.

  • Willowman, you are perfectly entitled to cry. We all react differently, for some reason I can't cry, and I wish I could cry. I wonder what is wrong with me. Its a hugely stressful time and my heart goes out to you both. I am sure you will stop crying though I am sure that you will have further episodes, it's good to let go of these feelings and hugely healing. Best wishes and hugs to you both

    Love is eternal
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to Needing friends

    Thank you.

    Yes it is a constant level of stress.

    Most of the time nothing is happening, so on the surface it seems normal. But it's always there - underneath everything.

    Obviously,as chemo is every two weeks, there isn't much time to 'forget' about it. 

    In a way. it's like a race between us. Sometimes I'm winning - doing okay - sometimes she is.

    Actually most of the time she is.

    We have a running joke about who 'wins the day' - so my wife wins today as i cried - the score is about 3-0 at the moment Slight smile

    So it's unlikely I can even get a draw! :)

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    oh willowman, i think your 'random crying' is SO normal for the situation you and your wife are in. Also we're all different. I'm having a similar phase to you. My poor Mum has had an awful few weeks and the last week has been the most distressing but now she's more stable i'm a blubbering wreck!! It is the constant companion of anxiety that can do that to you i'm afraid.

    I've learned to just let it happen, let the storm pass and wait for that little bit of blue sky to emerge - maybe not for long but a bit of calm does seem to appear.

    I think it's quite healthy that you make it into a fun competition and that will help you help your wife. The crying will probably come and go but its a healthier outlet so good on yer!!

  • G'day Willowman,

    I genuinely feel your pain. My wife is mid-late stages of stage 4 kidney cancer. In the same way that I now cook, clean, shop and pay bills, I'm the one who does the crying.

    Don't worry about the crying. I think it would be worse if you didn't. All the emotions you're feeling have to come out some way, and crying is probably the best. If you don't, those emotions could choose another way to come out (aggression, resentment, etc.).

    It's a great thing that you and your wife have made a joke out of it. Keep it up. Cancer has a way of coming between two people that love each other.

    Early stages means not many symptoms,just started chemo.

    Buckle up buddy and keep all arms inside the carriage. Ask about her medications AND all side effects and don't be satisfied until you've both gotten answers that you can understand.

    Sadly, not all chemo or immuno drugs have specific bloods tests so your oncologist can quickly determine the right dosage. They use the side effects to work out if you have enough of the drug in your system.

    Most are started at a mid-high level. If you don't get side effects, then they will increase the dosage until you do. If the side effects you get are horrible, they will reduce the dosage. If you then get none, they will increase it again. If the side effects are still horrible, they will reduce it again. This horrible up-down-up-down continues until the find a dosage and frequency that provide a sufficiently therapeutic dosage while only causing tolerable side effects.

    Sometimes, the side effects may cause a greater strain on your wife, yourself and your relationship than the cancer itself. Watch out for the side effects.

    Cancer is debilitating.
    Side effects are demoralizing.

    I'm just worried I'm not going to be able to manage and help her the way I need to in the future.

    Every day is an opportunity to amaze yourself.

    You will surprise yourself with how organized you can get. You'll learn cooking, laundry, housework, manage appointments - everything your wife used to do. You'll do this without even realizing that you're doing it.

    Talk to your wife about the things she used to do that you now do. Ask her how she likes things done. Tell her how you're doing some things differently and why you do them differently. This serves 2 purposes; 1) it keeps your wife involved in the day-to-day things and in your collective lives and 2) prevents her being a back seat driver and telling you the right way to do things (she will anywayWink).

    There will be days when it just feels like it's too much. When it does, take a step back and give yourself a breather. Tell your wife what is happening and that you need to take a break.

    If you can't look after yourself, how on earth can you expect yourself to look after another?

    I guess it's a symptom of ongoing stress.

    The random aspect of the crying will hopefully pass. You'll still cry, but you'll hopefully find ways to manage the when, the where and the why of it.

    Hang in there buddy.

    Peace,
    Ewen :-)

    The day after your journey ends, the sun will still rise.
    As will you.
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    thank you.

    I guess it takes a while for it work through and release in the form of tears.

    Feellng like I've been through a positive reset.

    Ready for the next step again.

    I know I'll be back here again I'm sure Slight smile

    Posting here has been one of my better ideas.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to panic

    Thanks Ewen,

    A really detailed and helpful reply.

    Particularly with the changing chemo going forward. 

    We didn't really know what the score was with that - but were kind of figuring it out.

    We also think we need to be proactive with it.

    First time round I wrote down any symptoms each day - which made a big difference as it tagged liver problems, which meant levels will be reduced for the next time around.

    "Every day is an opportunity to amaze yourself."    - I'm going to remember that !

    I agree with what you're saying - don't make a patient out of her, to paraphrase.

    I did a lot of cooking anyway. Ironically she's now joining in and doing more.

    So we've been really enjoying our food.

     

    Thanks Ewen, you've given me something today.

  • Wise words, thank you for sharing. Love the piece at the end

    Love is eternal
  • Hey Willowman,

    I did a lot of cooking anyway. Ironically she's now joining in and doing more.

    So we've been really enjoying our food.

    You should have a look at my blog of recipes (https://community.macmillan.org.uk/blogs/b/recipes-for-carers).

    These are some recipes I've found/used/made up over the past 7 years that are very easy to make, very versatile and very nutritious. The fact that most of them can be made in 1, maybe 2, pans is purely intentional.

    Some are very calorie heavy, but this is what Marg needed at the time. If you like any of them, show them to your nutritionist (or your whoever) just to make sure that it will meet your wifes needs.

    If you have any good recipes that your wife really likes, feel free to message me with the details and I'll give it a try. Bear in mind I'm in Australia so our seasons are topsy-turvy to yours and ingredients may not be in season down here.

    Hang in there bud.

    Ewen :-)

    The day after your journey ends, the sun will still rise.
    As will you.
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    My partner is terminally ill. He isn't eating and I don't seem to be able to help him. I  try to be jolly with him but I cry when I play music we shared and loved. I don't think I will have him for much longer but I'm.trying not to cry with him. I'm not sure this is right. I have to bottle up my emotions as he doesn't like it. He us not an emotional guy, should I show how p.o. really feel or will rhat just be worse for him.i seem to be unable to accept support from family and friends. Got now I just want it to be me and him. Will they understand? Will they still be there when I need them as I surely will. These are dark days, how can I make them happy says for the man I love xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hi Lucyrose,

    I wish I could help more.

    I don't think there is any wrong way to do this.

    You're trying to respect his wishes and,at the same time, look out for what you want - ie time with just the two of you.

    I'm sure your family will understand.

    It has to be about knowing the reasons why you did things/ Knowing they are within your standards. Being aware of thoughts that can lead you into feeling guilty and forgiving yourself.

    Do you keep a diary? I started an online journal - password protected - it gets my thoughts out there. But it also means there's a record of what I thought. In emotional times it is easy to become lost and I use it as a solid ground.

    I also use filters and make sure to label notes 'positive' - so that creates a space in your mind to look for positive things. Which is not easy.

    Tough times,crying is fine.

    I did read somewhere that if they don't want to eat, just let them. It's part of it, I think.

     My wife is terminal but at a much earlier stage. So we can easily live with the illusion that there's nothing wrong - similar life to what he had before with a lot more tiredness.