short time husband had tumour in lower bowel had removed but was treated for osagages cancer had chemo/ tempt to remove but unable to have done than given untra imutie treatment 6 months than delay in scan it had sneaked back and to late to go back on 2 years of this treatment and now just on borrow time now and why do i feel i want it over he had 2 odd years of this now i just can not find any time with district nurse hospice nurse making his food putting cream on wounds just feel so angry at him i lock my self away in my room as i found what do i talk about what future i been married 48 years and i be so lonely he moved to a bloody village 4 hours away from family most times he sleeps if not snaping at me about his pain is normal to feel so mad my son came to stay but he couldn't put up with anger issues left so im alone ago older son came down and boy he kept saying she don't care enough about him it really hurt would even talk to him than i realized he didn't even remember what he said just some days i just want run ihe still eating if not alot can walk as a 90 year old but he only 67 we have wheel chair now as he finds walking near impossible my problems is with district nurses never the same one either they trying to make us have a hospital bed but it not fit with out putting my future in storage my hell do that get paid with what i not older enough for pension so all i have carer allowance lucky his company still pays him sick pay as well pension just about covers rent and bills we dont get unv credit because of his pension amount but understand about if he gets bed ridden thing is when he got told he had cancer 3 years go i told him when your bed ridden no way was you staying at home i watch my mother and father die like that never was i going to do again rather travel daily to see him he knows that but i believe he don't want that i don't talk to either nurses that come i hate them coming in so i feel guilty about that i don't want to him die at home i can escape from hospice when i get to stressed i failed a blood pressure test doctor concern about holding in stress do every feel just lost i sound so selfish but i just think he had enough and me come to days i scream at myself keep myself involed with garden tidy cupboard after cupboard oh problems there only so much you can do
