My mum is 60 and has been diagnosed with stage 4 bile duct cancer earlier this year. She lives alone and is currently well, but struggling. She also has mental health illness. Initially she started chemo in April but after 5 sessions she had a MH episode and was hospitalised for that. Now she is home we are looking to restart chemo again for her. Her side effects from the chemo/steroids etc before lead to severe lack of sleep which lead to the decline in her MH. She wasn’t sick or hugely unwell, but did struggle with energy levels and making meals, preferring to live on one meal a day and pick throughout the day.
She hasn’t had chemo for 6 weeks and is still struggling with energy levels. With restarting her chemo she is asking to move in with me or my brother, or that we go back to live with her.
I am 34 and finished active treatment for breast cancer 5 months ago myself. The timing of everything is awful and I feel so guilty for saying no to my mum. I live over 25 miles away, so I’m not local but travel at least once a week to see her and have gone to most of her appointments which are extra travel for both of us as they’re in London. She is mainly lonely and wants someone there in the middle of the night when she’s awake. It is hard for me and my brother as our circumstances don’t allow for this ‘moving in situation’ my mum desires. We feel awful, but from my position especially I am burnout from a years treatment of my own for breast cancer. Physically I am doing well but mentally I cannot take my mum on full time. I am still trying to get my life back to normal with slowly returning to my full time job and other areas of my life. My brother is also unable to take her on full time through reasons of his own.
Has anyone else experienced similar situations? It’s so hard being in recovery myself to deal with my mums cancer diagnosis, on top of her MH that has taken a decline too despite being stable for over 20 years. I know how hard it is from having chemo myself that my mum will need help at times, but I do feel she is asking for a lot at such an early stage seeing as her side effects weren’t crippling to require round the clock care. If her condition was to deteriorate we are of course willing to step in more, but we feel for now we need to find a balance but none of us can agree what that is. We all stayed overnight with her after her chemo sessions initially to ensure she was ok and she had friends and family regularly popping in to check on her. Ultimately at the moment she is extremely lonely and scared and I’m struggling with the guilt of voicing my own needs too. If I hadn’t of been unwell myself I would have the energy to look after her more but sadly our family circumstances are stretched and we don’t know how to cater to everyone.
Any advice or recommendations are greatly appreciated x
