Lack of empathy!!!

Hi Betsyboo, 

sorry to your husband is being so demanding. Would he talk to a psychologist? If you have a hospice near you, they have psychologists who support patients and carers. You could talk to hospice nurses about it and also ask your husband’s GP for help. My husband has advanced prostate cancer which has spread to his spinal cord making him bedridden and incontinent. He was always focused on his own needs above the needs of others but has become increasingly demanding since diagnosis. His GP has given him a low dose of antidepressants to help lift his mood. He also gets support from our hospice psychology team and the hospice living well team. You have enough on your plate looking after everyone and everything so please explore option for professionals to help you support your husband. 

Thank you for your reply... He went back on anti depressants when he first got diagnosed and I also pushed for a therapist which he did talk to for a few sessions last year. But now says talking to her won't help. The ups and downs are so hard to deal with. 

I've suggested getting a referral through the GP amongst other things or even joining a support group. As he often says no one knows how I feel...no one can relate but I know thats not true. Which I why I joined this forum. 

I'm just feeling that I can't say the right thing or know what he wants from me. 

Maybe you could talk to a therapist to get some support for yourself. Sometimes and when everyone else has been and gone, we are the only ones still there, the constant in an uncertain world. My husnd likes to keep me close to him because if anything goes wrong I usually sort it, whether it be medication, sores, or practical problems. I am his stand by in case of emergency. He gets frustrated th me when things don’t go as well as he would like. I can’t be there all the time and meet his every need, neither can I make the cancer go away. Trying to negotiate with someone who has a terminalondition isn’t easy especially if they have not been the negotiating type in the first instance. Remember it is nothing that have said or done that is making your husband behave the he is, ihis behaour is his responsibility and if there comes a time when he is no longer capable, the medics will take over….you have to look after yourself and the children. Call the GP and ask for a home visit sohat you and your husband can talk openly about what is happening in his world and ask for support for yourself. Hope my ramblings are of some help to you. It is like living in a nightmare isn’t it.

Hi Betsyboo 

I'm sorry about your situation. Everyone reacts differently, so it can (and often is) very difficult.

I have seen and experienced a lot of this, and it happens often. Everyone is going through their own stages of grief - the loss of an active husband, the loss of stability, the change to incurable.

The hardest thing is to talk about it. Often, we feel we shouldn't or that it's not the right time. It's never the right time, though. There are so many emotions, thoughts and feelings from everyone involved and talking can be difficult, but it is really needed.

Have you thought about instigating a conversation that starts with, 'I am feeling XXX'? It may help shift the balance to you starting a conversation about it, rather than feeling poked at. (Apologies for the wording there; this is how the comments always hit me, and then I had to learn how to react differently to it.)

Or what about getting everyone (including your children) together, starting with 'I am feeling XXX today' and 'I am worried about XXX' and 'I would like to know or have an answer about XXX'.

You need to prioritise yourself too. There are resources available to you, and people on here can help cut through the noise about what's available.

Would your husband consider talking to a Macmillan volunteer buddy, or the people on the Support Line? Sometimes the word 'therapy' can be a barrier, so having a volunteer to chat to might be something?

Thank you so much and apologies I haven't replied till now. It definitely helps hearing other people's experiences. 

The last 2 weeks I've seen a huge shift in his mental wellbeing. Which has a positive impact on us all, but I know it can so quickly change. I have been referred for a therapist for myself but I know this can take time. 

Yes living a nightmare.... 

Thank you.... I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and everything you have said is helpful. Emotionally he has been quite different recently... I've seen this before with his depression cycles. Although it's refreshing and calmer I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells not wanting to upset the "applecart" by talking about it. We have so many discussions to have that I know we haven't even touched upon.