All a bit too much

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. It does sound really tough on you and I don’t blame you at all for leaving as soon as you can, that’s self preservation mode kicking in.

Finding self compassion has been hard for me, I used to beat myself up constantly and hold myself to ridiculous standards that I never expected of anyone else.

I got some very good advice about all the roles I play in life, mother, daughter, sister, wife, employee, manager etc etc. writing them all on a bit of paper with 2 columns, one that lists my expectations of everything I need to be to fulfil that role, the other with expectations of “good enough” for that role.
Once I had everything on paper it became clear to me that no human could fulfil the expectations I placed on myself of all those different roles I play. And that I have to give myself grace to be “good enough” to stand a fighting chance at fulfilling any of them.

It helped me gain perspective and a little acceptance that some days I’ll be the mum I expect myself to be, but not the best manager, daughter or wife, and other days will look a little different.

And something that is helping me get through tough days as I start out on this caring journey is gratitude journaling. It forces me to look for the good in the day, even small things like I’m grateful my husbands meds are ready to collect from the pharmacy this morning. and that the sun is out and he felt it warm his skin. Some days I’m just grateful for the cool side of the pillow to soothe my tear stained cheek. But it’s really helping combat those dark thoughts. 
Really feeling for you and hope none of this reads like toxic positivity.