Worst day yet

Hi. Sorry to read things are getting tougher. My husband had a different cancer but he took to his bed suddenly and virtually stopped eating. He was given depression meds which they said could take 6 weeks to kick in. He didnt have 6 weeks. Thinking back now,  I think it was his body starting to slow down and then shut down. Im not saying that means its happening for your mum, but I do think I wish Id asked the hospice if this was the beginning of the end. Is this a conversation you can have or want to have with her care team? 

We had many talks about him not eating, but he just didnt fancy anything, and even drinking became harder. I agree, looking after his mental state was so much harder.  

His cancer was in multiple organs by that time.

Big hugs coming xxx

My hubby kept saying ' I wish I could die this is no life' he even asked the consultant & the upper gastro nurses to help him on his way. I used to get so upset & sob my heart out.  I had to ring his brothers to come & visit before it was too late. He put on a really good show for them but it took a lot out of him. He was resigned to the fact he didnt have long. He wouldn't allow any of his friends to visit him when he was in hospital the last time as he didnt want them to see him the way he was near the end..just skin & bone .I felt awful putting them off & They were shocked when I phoned them to say that he had passed away.None of them knew just how serious his illness was. A couple of his friends did visit when he was 1st diagnosed & he looked ok . They were under the impression that his cancer was curable. He was diagnosed in Aug & died in Nov.

Thanks for replying and explaining what happened with your husband. It may well be the same scenario here. I will definitely have this conversation with her care team - I tell them enough about her physical symptoms, and this is equally important.

I was so naive about this … after being shocked and upset at the diagnosis, I determined to be strong and positive, making her final days full of good memories, laughter and doing things like watching TV or doing jigsaws together. I want her to feel comforted and loved. It’s just not like the movies, eh?

I might ask the church for some help. Mum has quite a strong faith - I don’t - and they might supply the kind of reassurances I can’t. 

It’s so wearying - I think I shall head to bed and hope that tomorrow dawns brighter. 

Thanks so much for your presence here - it makes such a difference. 

Oh Detty - what an absolute nightmare for you. I’m in the same boat in terms of the expectations of Mum’s friends. They seem to think she’ll return to the WI, lunch club and Knit and Natter etc etc. I don’t want to tell them she won’t be going back - sounds too stark - but I’m pretty sure she won’t ever have the strength to leave the house again. And then I get the well-meaning comments like : ‘Oh, I know somebody who was told they had three months to live and they’re still here five months later’ … or even ‘People can cure themselves with cannabis oil’! Everyone not ‘in the know’ seems to have a miracle recovery story so reading all the posts here gives me a very useful reality check. 

I dont think they realise that it will be us that have to pick up the pieces when they pass away. Yes we are glad they are out of pain but having to keep explaining to family & friends that he didnt want visitors & it wasn't me stopping them coming over to visit was awful but I had to respect his wishes. His friends were even arranging him to go on pub trips with them as they thought he'd be fine in a few weeks.... Even though he told them it wasnt looking good. They didnt want to accept just how ill he was.He withdrew from me once he was told he was terminal. He didnt like he hugging him or holding his hand which was something we had always done. He didnt want me to kiss him either. I used to blow him kisses instead & made sure I told him I loved him. 

Oh Detty - that sounds awful. I’m struggling with the expectations of Mum’s friends. They seem to think that she’ll return to all her social activities but frankly I doubt she’ll leave the house again. She just hasn’t got the strength. And I just haven’t got the wherewithal to tell them how bad things are. I don’t like upsetting them.  

My husband was the complete opposite, never one to hold hands etc but in the last few weeks he was always saying sit on the bed, hold my hand. 

I agree about other people not quite velieving. Im sure they thought I was a bit of a drama queen when I told them he didnt have long because, yes, he put on a show, but then was so depleted afterwards.

LiviaCalibri, do speak to the church if your mum has a strong faith, it may be just what she needs. It may give her some inner peace.

Just grabbed the churchwarden (friend of the family) who said they’d call to see Mum - and Mediquip have just delivered an extra trolley for her to use downstairs. Maybe today will be better - though she’s still sleeping at the moment. 

That's good then, I hope they will come and visit, it will help you too even if you don't have faith yourself. X