Looking for experiences of carer to parent at end of life

Hi Gingercat 

I'm Dylan and I work in the Online Community team here at Macmillan. 

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum and that doctors have only give her a prognosis of a few weeks. 

I wanted to give your post a short reply to bump it up the list, so that it might be seen by more members in this forum. If you'd like, you could also post in the Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum  as there might be someone there with a similar experience to you. 

I hope you can get the support that you need during the difficult time. 

Take care, and please give our Support line a call if you ever need to chat to someone about what you are going through and how you are feeling. 

Hi there - I’m currently caring for my husband who has cancer but my Dad had cancer in 2009 when I was in my early 20s and his cancer was terminal and he was in the palliative care ward at the Royal Marsden. He died 8 weeks after diagnosis. My mother was the primary carer but I was the eldest child of four and supported with his care. I can try and help. Do you have a specific question?

As her child, it will probably feel hard for your Mum also to lean on you but she’ll have to and you have what you need to support her. You know her best. I put up pictures of our family around Dad - recent and happy memories. Printed them onto regular paper (which my Mum still has). I also got him a radio/tape cassette player so he play his old tape cassettes. He loved music. Perhaps you can try and engage her in things she likes? Has your Mum spoken to anyone else? Would she be open to speaking to a counsellor, a family friend or perhaps a religious leader (if she is religious)? 

I never got counselling for myself when I went through my Dads cancer journey but it is really important that you seek support so you can let out your thoughts and make sense of them a little. Maggie’s is a great charity - is there a Maggie Centre near you? (My husband’s hospital has one and they have been helpful). You can go and speak to someone in person, in confidence. They may also do phone/video calls if you don’t have a centre close by.

I lost a lot of friends when my Dad had cancer as no one in my friend groups had ever lost a parent in this way. Do you have friends that can support you? Meet up for coffee? Could you join a local activity? Maybe yoga or a walking group? Something normal to do?

 Let me know if you have any questions.

It is tough. I hope you are alright. 

Hello Gingercat ,

I'm in a similar situation as you. I'm 25, turning 26 on the 21st and I am the main carer for my mom, who is unfortunately battling ovarian cancer and declining quickly. We are currently in hospital and on the verge of being denied treatment because of her general condition. I am up for sharing experience or just unloading here with you... I feel like shit all the time... Thank god for meds for keeping me not crying at least in the sunny part of the day.... She gets upset with me and her pains are worse when I cry.... But I can't seem to stop when I look at her and think of all the time I've wasted not being by her ... So yeah. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you a biiiiig hug ... You are a wonderful daughter and a very selfless person for doing what you are doing. Just try and play some music you both love, look at some pictures, talk about the good times you had and try and take her mind off of the terrible things in the present. You know her best and you'll know what will help her. We will have enough time to cry when they aren't around to see and hear us and when nothing pains them anymore. 

P.S. try and ask your GP about some light medication as to help you not be too emotional... It's personally helped me a great deal to cope.