First time I’ve written in this group but finally ready to acknowledge my new normal. My mum was diagnosed with neuro-endocrine bowel and liver cancer three months ago. I’ve moved in to care for her, I’m 34 and never imagined this would be the year of 2025. Her diagnosis is incurable cancer but they can shrink the tumors, she’s started intravenous chemotherapy which is horrendous to watch her go through it. I’m her sole carer and although I have other friends to help with practical bits I feel so alone. I don’t feel like my mums here anymore, like there’s something else that’s replaced her.
My mums usually the life of the party but seeing someone else in replacement has really knocked me. I’ve recently become involved with a new partner which is also so hard to navigate although they are incredibly understanding of my time and circumstances. I feel cancer keeps putting everything on hold, I can’t seem to catch a break. I want respite but every time I go to sort something no one is there to help me. We take a few steps forward with mum and then last Thursday she had a spasm episode where the bowel was playing up. It set us back after the progress we were making, she was up and about hours before and now she’s back in bed immobile and worse than she was before.
I have one aunt left and she seems to be in denial but also not able to cope or support me. She comes when it’s convenient and easy for her, she’s not here when it’s the worst moments. I feel like Cancer is driving a wedge between me and my loved ones. I feel guilty for being angry and irritable, I don’t feel like a daughter…I feel like someone just going through the motions to look after someone.
My emotions are everywhere and I can’t be myself in front of my mum -feeling like I need to protect her from my sadness, anger and sometimes resentment. As I’m the closest to her, a lot gets taken out on me which sometimes makes me want to run away. I love my mum with all my heart but sometimes I can’t cope. I can’t be what she wants me to be. I’m learning to ask for help but it doesn’t come naturally and I hate burdening people so it’s a learning curve to me, all of this.
I guess my question to the community is ‘Do things get better?’ Will I find moments where I don’t have to worry about having a night away with my partner that I can just feel a bit normal. Will she ever get to live her life again? Will I get my mum back?
Hi ilovemycairn welcome to the forum and I am so glad that you felt able to reach out. But hey whoa you are not burdening anyone you are reaching out in what sounds like the most difficult situation
ever and asking will it get any better. Your mum is lucky to have such a caring daughter but if you imagine us all with a piece of elastic attached when caring. The first stretch is seeing your mum.s she is and struggling with that. The 2nd stretch is no respite and navigating the system. The 3rd stretch is your aunt who isn't offering much by way of help. The 4th stretch is you trying to keepall those emotions in and not letting anyone see you struggling. Wow that elastic is pulled so tightly now it's likely to snap back. Before that happens please pick up the phone and have a chat withthe team at Macmillan and they may be able to offer practical advice for you as well as being good listeners. 08088080000. In the meantime we are here for you ️ and I'm sending some much needed huge big hugs your way for now. Gail.x
