My mum was diagnosed with advanced endometrial cancer (a particularly aggressive kind). It’s all been a massive shock since she seems well aside from a few “minor symptoms”. She has complex surgery soon and I’m very nervous as I know that’s when I’ll have to see her much weaker and who knows what each stage of treatment will bring.
It’s been a month since she was diagnosed and a week since we found out it was stage 4. I’ve got anticipatory grief and I’m struggling to cope. My mum has continued working for normalcy sake and when she’s around (and seeming her normal self) I feel better and can function but when she’s at work and I’m alone I really struggle with my emotions.
I’m able to just about sleep (had to take promethazine for a couple of days but for the last couple of nights I’ve slept without it) but I usually wake up during the night. I dread going to sleep cause I tend to dream about the cancer, and I dread waking up cause the realisation that this is all happening hits me all at once. I then often nap during the day as it feels like it gives me a break from the emotional pain. I’ve lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy and I go through hours where I struggle to do any of my daily activities. My appetite is awful, I’m eating but I can feel myself losing weight as I have a couple pieces of toast and then one meal a day. Unless it’s related to her care or wellbeing, I have little motivation to do anything. I’ve managed to hide the extent of it but I know it’ll be harder once treatment starts and I see her physically decline. She keeps telling me not to put my life on hold for her so I know seeing me not being my normal self breaks her heart.
I worry that if I’m already feeling like this, I’m not going to be able to care for her well. I have support in terms of my siblings, boyfriend and hopefully aunt but I will be the main person caring for her since I live with her. I’m already in private therapy but I have considered low dose anti depressants but my therapist scared me that there’s a risk I’ll feel worse before I feel better & I don’t think it’d be a good idea for me to feel worse than I already do. I don’t want my inability to cope to impact my mum especially when her surgery is soon.
Has anyone else tried low dose anti depressants? How did they manage on them? I’m trying to take everything one day at a time and while that can work sometimes I’m just worried about my overall ability to cope especially knowing the road ahead is so uncertain.
