Struggling

Hi there, and thank you for your post. Oh no you are definitely not alone and your post was not inappropriate. You said you feel like running away. I think a lot of people in our shoes do. I may be wrong in saying that. However I have felt it myself and I would never judge anyone for thinking or feeling it. Cancer and its impact is relentless and brutal. My husband has stage 4 prostate cancer which has metastasised to his bones. He has had endless treatment with the most recent being radium and so we battle on. And it is a battle. I used to rail against the language around cancer but it is a battle. Only those in the situation can really understand how it affects every blooming aspect of your life. I work full time also but luckily I wfh now. I had to switch jobs to do this and take a pay cut but it was worth it. I could no longer handle the daily office talk and moans about rubbish and it was affecting me mentally so I got out. Best decision ever. Like you I also sort the house and the dog and his care though my husband is able to be out and about as best he can. However I worry about my own health and do my best to stay in shape and look after myself. Life is a knife edge and so fragile but it can be hard to take care of yourself and often we don’t feel like it. I understand what you say about your life on hold and so much you want to do. I do feel a little maybe not bitter but resentful that other people jet off on holidays not batting an eyelid but I have kind of accepted it also and try to focus on other things like my hobbies. 
I would urge you to start to focus a little more on yourself and on what you want out of life. Maybe you could start a small side hustle ( I know you are already mad busy with a f/t job) or new activity or hobby or something that can focus your mind and that is just for you. I don’t know what else to say only offer you a big hug and say I get it.

Hi, I've just joined this forum today. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with terminal liver cancer. I work full time, have a teenager and a dog and I'm now struggling most days to get by without breaking down. 45 sessions of chemo/ immunotherapy and he still goes on all be it weaker. He doesn't have any resilience and I feel that I'm taking the brunt of all his anger and resentment. Having to bite my tongue while taking all the snidy comments is breaking me. I know the treatment is affecting him and he is in pain, I'm at my wits end of having to put a brave face on to everyone.  It's like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes especially when he is in the company of others. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms? I love to read, but if I pick up a book when I finally get a chance I'm ignoring him and can't win. I love the bones of him but this im struggling on how to get through this.

Hello JCoff,

Thank you so much for your kind reply and reassurance. Your are so right, it’s such a battle, things go well then before you know it you have a set back. I 100% get what you mean about the office, the worries about such pointless things does wear you down and as much as I try to be compassionate it’s so, so hard !

I sometimes think about changing my job, it is stressful and I’m sure it doesn’t help but I can more or less come and go as I please so there are some benefits. 

Worrying about my health is something I do as well, I had a really nasty fall of a horse I shared just after my husbands diagnosis and had to give her up as I was so worried I would be out of action and unable to do what I needed to do. I have found the gentlest horse to take her place and she had been such a huge blessing. I also wild swim which is great for my mental health. Just sometimes it gets so overwhelming and with the guilt it becomes just too much.

Thank you again , it helps just to know you are not alone. Xx

Hi Weegiethink, 

It’s so tough isn’t it and I totally understand how you feel. My husband does try to not take things out on me but his world is currently so limited I tend to be in the same position as you and it is so tough. In my heart I know he doesn’t mean it but it is wearing and hard to hear. Having a teenager must add to the strain as helping them cope just be very tough. I wish I could offer so ways of coping, I tend to just try to find something just for me like my swimming and horses. 
I did break with him a few weeks ago and said somethings that I had been keeping in for a while and I know I upset him but I do think it pulled him up a bit and maybe made him understand me a bit better. I just feel guilty, and that’s not easy.

I do hope things improve for you and please ask for help if you are struggling, macmillan have been amazing for me 

xx

Hi there. I read your post and I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty and to assure you that you are neither inappropriate or alone. My husband was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in December 2018; had surgery and a permanent stoma in 2019 and was NED for about 6 months until a scan showed mets in his liver and lungs. SInce then, nearly 7 years later, he has had 6 surgeries, massive amounts of chemo and radiation, both of which had limited success and is now on palliative targeted therapy, Regorafenib. It's a lot and it has taken a massive toll on our family life and in particular, our marriage. We have 5 children, I work full time and basically look after every aspect of our lives as he is unable and mostly unwilling to take part in the normal day to day. Add to that a change in personality that is so marked that I only see a glimmer of the person he was and live with sarcasm, selfishness, anger, criticism, silent treatment, gaslighting etc - the list is endless. There is a nasty side to him which is getting worse. I have a theory that all the heavy chemo, radiation etc which causes long term damage to the body, also causes an irreversible change to brain chemistry affecting personality etc. It is perfectly understandable that anybody who has to endure all of this only to end up terminal, would be angry and lash out at times but the way he treats me and our family goes way beyond that. He comes out with batshit theories about people that make no sense whatsoever and thinks that everyone is out to do him or get him in some way which is actually the opposite as the people closest to us cannot do enough for him. I wonder if there is such a thing as chemo psychosis as chemo brain is well documented but doesn't describe the personality changes I see. Maybe it's just wishful thinking that there is some way to explain the monster he has become. As a result I am struggling to cope these days. Our children have all been affected in some way by his illness but in particular by the way he speaks to them at times. If you took the illness out if it, I am living with severe emotional abuse. I have had counselling but there's only so much that can do. Ultimately the only way to solve it would be to leave but as his illness is terminal and he has no one else I just wouldn't be able to do it. I don't even think I love him anymore as the hurt runs so deep at this stage it's impossible to feel much other than a spin cycle of resentment, guilt, sympathy and fear. I know not everyone feels like this and it feels so disloyal to even put it in writing but it is reality and I think it's important to show solidarity with you and others who are struggling. I wish you and your husband well - you have been through such a lot, you are only human and have been there all along and done your best for him - go easy on yourself and try if you can to do something for yourself every day, no matter how small. You deserve it xx