Hi there,
I am sure I am not alone in this but I am really starting to struggle with things. My husband has been ill for two years now. He was diagnosed with Kidney cancer two years ago and it was the discovered he also had an ALK + lung cancer. He was treated for the kidney with radiotherapy and immunotherapy, he reacted badly to all his immunotherapy doses as was hospitalised several times. It was decided to stop that treatment but luckily it had had enough of an effect and had shrunk the kidney cancer enough for his kidney to be removed. The doctors were happy enough for him to go back to work and we had approx 4 months of “normality”. Unfortunately this didn’t last, he started having further back pain and it was discovered he had spread in his hip, spine, liver, neck and brain. Tests followed and it was agreed that the spread was from the lungs. Sadly while we were waiting for test results he was blue lighted into hospital with a perforated bowel. He had emergency surgery, was on life support and spent some time in intensive care. Amazingly he has nearly got over this and has been started on Alectinib. There appeared to be no side effects of the alectinib but he was getting progressively breathless and at his last oncology appointment he was diagnosed with a blood clot on his lung. Now, I fully get that he has been through a massive amount and I wouldn’t wish what he has been through on anybody but I’m not sure how much I can take. I feel I cannot say anything to anybody as he’s the one that’s going through it all. He never asks if I’m ok and even if he did I don’t think he would hear the answer. He once said that no one bothers to ask me if I’m ok because I’m always ok ! Well I’m really not. I feel massively guilty for even feeling this way, let alone voicing it. I think he has just got so wrapped up in being “ill” he can’t be well, if that makes any sense ! I know he’s stuck at home all day and I’m sure he dwells on it all but I am working full time in a stressful job, sorting the dogs, the house and his care . Maybe he’s depressed, he says he isn’t, but I’m not sure. I really feel like I just want to run away and not have to deal with this anymore. My life is on a massive hold and I have so much I want to do but I can’t, the guilt I have is almost unbearable because I do love him and want him to be well but it’s just taking from me all the time.
I am sorry if this is inappropriate but just needed to get it out !
x
Hi there, and thank you for your post. Oh no you are definitely not alone and your post was not inappropriate. You said you feel like running away. I think a lot of people in our shoes do. I may be wrong in saying that. However I have felt it myself and I would never judge anyone for thinking or feeling it. Cancer and its impact is relentless and brutal. My husband has stage 4 prostate cancer which has metastasised to his bones. He has had endless treatment with the most recent being radium and so we battle on. And it is a battle. I used to rail against the language around cancer but it is a battle. Only those in the situation can really understand how it affects every blooming aspect of your life. I work full time also but luckily I wfh now. I had to switch jobs to do this and take a pay cut but it was worth it. I could no longer handle the daily office talk and moans about rubbish and it was affecting me mentally so I got out. Best decision ever. Like you I also sort the house and the dog and his care though my husband is able to be out and about as best he can. However I worry about my own health and do my best to stay in shape and look after myself. Life is a knife edge and so fragile but it can be hard to take care of yourself and often we don’t feel like it. I understand what you say about your life on hold and so much you want to do. I do feel a little maybe not bitter but resentful that other people jet off on holidays not batting an eyelid but I have kind of accepted it also and try to focus on other things like my hobbies.
I would urge you to start to focus a little more on yourself and on what you want out of life. Maybe you could start a small side hustle ( I know you are already mad busy with a f/t job) or new activity or hobby or something that can focus your mind and that is just for you. I don’t know what else to say only offer you a big hug and say I get it. 
