I haven’t posted on here much but I often drop by to read posts. It is comforting to know that there are many people experiencing similar feelings. Mind you, that still doesn’t stop me feeling very guilty.
My husband finished his chemo in December, he had 6 rounds of R-chop, 3 intrathecal methotrexate and 2 rounds of high dose methotrexate. He was on and off pretty grim during the treatment.
We don’t live near any family and I don’t drive so it was basically cabs and buses for me when I was travelling by myself. Husband didn’t feel up to driving as he said he had bad chemo brain fog and the shakes occasionally. Sometimes our lovely neighbour helped out when she wasn’t working.
Apart from the caring aspect of looking after someone going through this brutal treatment, there’s also the day to day general life stuff you have to get on with. The house insurance, broadband going wrong, central heating packing up, leaks in the ceiling, shopping, cleaning etc. I know you all understand.
For those of you with children and/or trying to work as well, I take my hat off to you.
Husband had 15 sessions of radiotherapy over 3 weeks which ended nearly 2 weeks ago. I managed to arrange patient transport for this as he was already weak and the hospital was about an hour away. From day 10 he began to feel the side effects, which peaked last week. He’d been really unwell including having cold sores and having to go to A & E where they discovered he had a chest infection and put him on intravenous fluids and antibiotics. He was allowed home the following morning with oral antibiotics.
Finally I’m getting to the point! I have 2 young, energetic grandchildren. I haven’t seen much of them during this past year. Before that I used to travel regularly to visit them and help out with child minding when I could. As husband has finished his treatment now I’m already getting requests for childminding. The problem is I don’t want to do it anymore, which makes me feel so guilty. Physically I feel wrung out after the past year even though it’s my husband that has gone through all of the treatment. I don’t have the headspace to look after young ones essentially by myself as my husband isn’t up to helping much. I really am finished with looking after and taking care of people. What a horrible person that makes me sound.
I try and do things just for me and I have to say, when I’m doing things completely by myself and don’t have to think of others, I love it.
Thank you if you’ve persevered to the end of this brain dump.
