Rude and Nasty, I've had enough

There is no harder position to be in than to be a loved one and carer for someone dying of cancer. I speak from a solid place as I am dying myself (cervical clear cell carcinoma) and all I can think about is how hard it is for my Mum (who I live with, and used to look after! ️) and other loved ones. Dying is easy, I feel anyway. Being around someone who is dying is NOT easy, as you have discovered, sadly ️ I'm just so sorry for the situation and emotional strain you now find yourself in, I truly am ️ You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to blame yourself for or feel bad about, you have been doing everything xxx

I'll tell you a little bit about dying, I don't know that it'll help much but it's all I have to offer in the way of advice dear. Oddly, the strongest most overwhelming need/feeling is to push everybody away by whatever means and try and isolate yourself; I think about the Simon and Garfunkel song that goes

'I am a rock, I am an island,

Locked inside my room,

Safe within my womb,

I touch no-one and no-one touches me;

I am a rock, I am an island!

..And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries.'

The more effort someone makes to force their way in, the more forcefully I find I push them back, although I try not to be hurtful, because I can sense their pain. I don't know why those of us who are dying feel this way, but we do, it's strange, you would think it would be entirely the opposite. My advice would be to step away and let your partner cope with themselves and their own feelings - you've done more than enough and you don't deserve more pain. Maybe home palliative care can arrange someone to help with housework and hot meals; if he can still mobilise to go out and about a little then he probably doesn't need much personal care yet. Despite living with family, I have carers who do everything for me (I'm at the personal care degree now, not far to go!), I find it much better being cared for by strangers and I spend most of my time in my room away from the rest of the family. This is just my personal experience, but I hope it might be a little bit of comfort for you. Give yourself permission to back away and watch over them from a safe distance ️

Suki Silver, I'm so sorry to read of your personal situation and thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.  It's like he's doing exactly what you describe, pushing people away. Well, just me actually as nobody else bothers with him. He doesn't seem to have any filter on what he says lately. He says exactly what he wants to say regardless of whether or not it's upsetting me. We don't "talk" about what's happening as it's him going through it, not me so why should I have anything to say about what's happening. So basically dismissing how I feel. I've tried all manner of ways to get him to open up to me but he doesn't want to know. I got told off by him a couple of weeks ago because I wasn't holding the steering wheel the way he thought I should be (I've been driving over 40 years). He picks at literally everything. I think for my own peace of mind I need to back off a bit. But I know that'll be wrong, he's said in the past I do nothing for him. and I'm not there for him. It's a no win situation at the moment. Thank you for being so honest about your own situation, I'm sure it can't be easy talking about it, especially to strangers 

So sorry you're having a hard time. Particularly worried for my Dad for similar reasons. 

My Mum is in her 70s and was diagnosed with lung cancer recently. She has also experienced paraneoplastic syndrome - mobility, coordination, speech have all been adversely affected. Her frustration and anxiety are very prevalent and we are finding it difficult to say the right thing to her. She is angry and feeling out of control but won't admit it. She says she accepts her illness. She puts on a brave face for anyone outside of our immediate family so even her friends and siblings don't know the mental anguish she's experiencing. She doesn't sleep well. She thinks we as her immediate family are conspiring against her to stop her independence, particularly around driving. It's sad to see her distress but it is very hard to help her when she won't admit she needs help.

I'm reaching out for counselling myself so I can say the right thing to get her to a place where she's willing to accept some help. Also so that I can find more compassion for her. I'm struggling when she's being so cruel to us.

It's the most tense and stressful situation. 

I hope things get better for you. 

SukiSilver.  Oh my word!  What an amazing person you are.  I don't know if you realise it but, for someone living with my soul mate who has various cancers, to actually read what someone else who is there actually feels and experiences is priceless.  I am so sorry for your situation but just by expressing your thoughts/feelings about your situation has helped me so much.  "I am a Rock" - my most favourite Simon and Garfunkle song - long before the tentacles of cancer and all its effects were ever thought of by me.  You should be so proud of yourself for expressing your emotions and experiences.  I wish you all the love you deserve.  xxx

It is difficult. My wife has had cancer 9 years, now stage 4. She is capable but does nothing just sleeps the days away unless shes out shopping then shes fine. I cook, clean, shop, iron, garden, prompt meds, bathing, watch her night and day as she also gas angina and heart failure. With her daughter shes fab, with me shes shurs down and has nothing to say or just sleeps as l said.... l feel angry, frustrated, drained and yes l will say it, unloved and unappreciated. She has a long way to gonyet, she is nowhere near the 'end' but acts like it around me... days can be hard work, nights even more so. You must make time for yoyrself, your needs, your interests, you matter too... if you empty yourself you will have nothing left to givr. I meet up with friends to get a break x