My partner has been given a terminal diagnosis. We've gone to another hospital for a second opinion and they confirmed what the first hospital said. This was a major turning point for my partner. He now feels there's nothing left to live for and in his words he's waiting for the grim reaper. I try daily to be as positive around him as I can be but it's never enough. He is just so rude and nasty and quiet frankly, I've had enough of it. This morning I spent ages on the internet researching stuff for him then speaking to a helpline. Last week I tracked down the palliative care team as they hadn't been in touch and he didn't get a contact number from them. Their calls show as private number. This afternoon he said he might as well not be here as he can't do anything. He isn't well enough to go away plus the insurance is astronomical to go abroad. We've cancelled a break in this country this week as he wasn't up to going. All he does is sit in his flat 7 days a week, only leaving for the odd appointment and to pick up medication when I'm not around (we don't live together). When I do see him at his, I do his washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and shopping. If he's he at mine, he doesn't lift a finger, everything is done for him. After todays outburst from him, these are now almost daily, he told me I have no compassion because I said I can understand how you feel. What am I meant to say to him? I feel whatever I say will be wrong. I can't say it'll be alright because we both know it won't be. Can anyone give me some advice please as every day seems to be a battleground with him? Thank you
There is no harder position to be in than to be a loved one and carer for someone dying of cancer. I speak from a solid place as I am dying myself (cervical clear cell carcinoma) and all I can think about is how hard it is for my Mum (who I live with, and used to look after! 
️) and other loved ones. Dying is easy, I feel anyway. Being around someone who is dying is NOT easy, as you have discovered, sadly ️ I'm just so sorry for the situation and emotional strain you now find yourself in, I truly am 
️ You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to blame yourself for or feel bad about, you have been doing everything xxx
I'll tell you a little bit about dying, I don't know that it'll help much but it's all I have to offer in the way of advice dear. Oddly, the strongest most overwhelming need/feeling is to push everybody away by whatever means and try and isolate yourself; I think about the Simon and Garfunkel song that goes
'I am a rock, I am an island,
Locked inside my room,
Safe within my womb,
I touch no-one and no-one touches me;
I am a rock, I am an island!
..And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries.'
The more effort someone makes to force their way in, the more forcefully I find I push them back, although I try not to be hurtful, because I can sense their pain. I don't know why those of us who are dying feel this way, but we do, it's strange, you would think it would be entirely the opposite. My advice would be to step away and let your partner cope with themselves and their own feelings - you've done more than enough and you don't deserve more pain. Maybe home palliative care can arrange someone to help with housework and hot meals; if he can still mobilise to go out and about a little then he probably doesn't need much personal care yet. Despite living with family, I have carers who do everything for me (I'm at the personal care degree now, not far to go!), I find it much better being cared for by strangers and I spend most of my time in my room away from the rest of the family. This is just my personal experience, but I hope it might be a little bit of comfort for you. Give yourself permission to back away and watch over them from a safe distance ️
Suki Silver, I'm so sorry to read of your personal situation and thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. It's like he's doing exactly what you describe, pushing people away. Well, just me actually as nobody else bothers with him. He doesn't seem to have any filter on what he says lately. He says exactly what he wants to say regardless of whether or not it's upsetting me. We don't "talk" about what's happening as it's him going through it, not me so why should I have anything to say about what's happening. So basically dismissing how I feel. I've tried all manner of ways to get him to open up to me but he doesn't want to know. I got told off by him a couple of weeks ago because I wasn't holding the steering wheel the way he thought I should be (I've been driving over 40 years). He picks at literally everything. I think for my own peace of mind I need to back off a bit. But I know that'll be wrong, he's said in the past I do nothing for him. and I'm not there for him. It's a no win situation at the moment. Thank you for being so honest about your own situation, I'm sure it can't be easy talking about it, especially to strangers
