Hope or realism?

I guess what sparked my message was a call from the oncologist saying that the nurses are having trouble finding usable veins, and that my wife should maybe have an arm port implanted. I asked how easy it would be to take out afterwards and she said, "Oh no, it's permanent", and where we've been runing on hope that this new chemo will work, the words "it's permanent" just took every bit of wind out of our sails and after the call, my wife said for the first time "I'm terminal" and I thought I would fall apart from inside out. 

So that's what my question is about: hope or realism? As long as the Drs haven't said "You have X weeks/months/years" I live on hope. But what if that is avoiding realism, and if I was being realistic we'd just sell everything and take off to a Greek island or something and at least have some pleasure while the inevitable takes place. I don't know. I really don't know.

hi Spitimas 

I think my wife ended up wishing she had known about ports earlier in her treatment because they had lots of difficulty find veins at times.

Janice was always very clear she did not want to know how long and in practice at best the doctors can only have a guess based on averages - and old averages at that. Often they talk about the number of people who survive 5 years or more and often people never here the "or more".

When I did a living with less stress course I came to realize that I was worrying about things I could not control, found a great saying in "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that is why we call it the present".

It is not easy watching someone we love go through all this but perhaps together we can help each other and recognize the real impact it has on us.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I came across your post, I'm sorry to read about your wife's prognosis and aded financial worries. Have you checked if you are entitled to a carer's allowance? Entitled to any benefits? 

Hi

I feel for you both. Don't apologise for 'the gloom' , the cancer journey sure is gloom.

Cancer is a tumultuous journey, like a roller coaster of highs and lows never stopping until you don't know which way up you are.

My husband has advanced prostate cancer spread to his bones, I too am loosing my job and as the bread winner that is scary.

We try to keep it in today. Just for today you can do this, and then get up tomorrow and do it again just for that day.

Be kind to yourself and each other, and try to enjoy the simple things - the sunshine, rainbows etc.

Big hugs to you both.

Jan

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Alas, no benefits are available, to my knowledge. I will continue to piece together an income - no choice, right? Again, thank you.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, and please accept my own condolences to you for your situation. "Scary" is accurate! We had first notice of a problem 12 years ago, and then in 2016 it went full-blown. Pretty much every day since then has been a case of striving for the things you mention. It didn't become 2nd nature, sadly! And it is exhausting and disorienting, as you well know. 

Anyway, nothing to do but carry on. The cancer has now returned to her lymph, and her liver is expanding. She is about to start a last-chance round of Doxetaxel. We're bracing ourselves for the worst, hoping always for the best, making the most we can of each day, and spending every possible minute together.

Thank again for your thoughts, and my own commiseration to you and your husband.