This is so hard!! I’m struggling to cope

hi Sara9 

Seeing our loved ones so ill is really very hard but actually much more common than many expect - after all it is not the most common subject for small talk. On here we all recognize that so welcome to our special family even if we might wish nobody ever had to join.

I took a long time before I asked for help, walked in to the Maggie's centre at my local hospital and broke down in tears. After that I spoke to my GP and he helped me get back on my feet. 

Pre grief is a very common thing, I recognize a lot of what I went through in your words but I was really helped when I did a living with less stress course. Part of that was a conscious breathing exercise that help me relax but is really good to deal with unexpected news too - that message of step back - take a deep breath - step up again can really work.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Sara, 

So sorry to hear about your mum, all I can say is I know how you feel, I am older than you (41) but I am also loosing my mum which I didn't expect to happen so soon in my life. She was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer in May 2023, 9 months with treatment, weeks without, it was such a shock as she had absolutely no idea. It has spread all around her body including her brain. 

I can relate to the friends not knowing what to say, I often sense it's difficult for them as I would also struggle if it was the other way around so I tend to move the conversation on quickly to release them of the awkwardness. None of my friends have lost their parents so they just don't know what it's like. I know they mean we'll but I actually prefer it when they don't ask and just act normal around me.

It completely dominates your mind doesn't it, it's there before I go to sleep and there when I wake up, I'm trying to be a normal mum for my kids but I feel so distracted all the time, it's like I'm not in the room half the time and just going with the motions of family life. 

I am starting counselling next week through my mum's hospice, I don't know how that's going to go or if it will help but it might be worth looking in to if your mum is with a hospice they often support family members too. 

If you want to chat feel free to PM me, I appreciate I am older than you but I like to think I'm young at heart. It would be nice to speak to someone who is going through the same thing. 

 src60 I used to think I was fine with just dealing with all this myself and that I didn’t see point in talking to anyone about what I’m going through. But right now I just feel so desperate and quite frankly, burnt out. I want to speak to someone, maybe even therapy, speaking to someone who could respond with something useful or comforting but I just have no idea where to even begin. I know I shouldn’t, but part of me feels silly for wanting to reach out for help because I’m not even the one suffering with cancer and yet I feel so depressed. There have been countless times where I’ve tried to build up the courage to speak to my gp but I always manage to speak myself out of it and just think I’m not physically ill and just think I’d be wasting my gp’s time to talk about my feelings? Nothings physically wrong with me so what would I even say? I know it’s not logical thinking, mental health is very real, jusg as real as physical illness, I more than anyone know that because I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression most my life but I’ve just never found the courage to speak to somebody about it, I seem to convince myself what I feel isn’t that bad or isn’t real and I’m just over reacting

 JaneyJane  so sorry to hear about your mum too, I can’t imagine what it must be like wanting to be there for your children while also losing your mum. You have your babies, but people probably forget that you are also someone’s baby, I hope starting therapy gives you some comfort. 

sometimes I feel like I’m actually being tortured, having to watch my mum be in so much pain, and having chemo every week indefinitely, countless scans and tests being run constantly. I don’t have a nicer way to put this, but I’m finding it harder to cope now as I feel with all that my mum is going through she has become very child-like. She constantly suffers with back pain and body pain, but refuses to follow any kind of plan to manage her pain because she does not want to take painkillers. My mum waits until she is suffering to the point of unbearable pain, only then will she take a painkiller but at the point her pain has become so bad they do nothing, I can’t seem to make her understand that for painkillers to be more effective she should take them before her pain gets severe. Me and her palliative nurse wrote up a pain management plan on Friday, which at the time she said okay too but as soon as she left she just doesn’t want to do it and I’m sick of fighting with her to take painkillers. Basically, she’s in pain but doesn’t want to take painkillers, but she also tells all the doctors and nurses we meet with that she’s in pain and for them to do something about it, but when they do she simply doesn’t want to? So I’m not sure what else there is for anybody to do to help her. I feel like I’m looking after a sick child who just refuses to do anything that would be good for them. My mum has always convinced herself that medicine is ‘bad’ and as a result she simply just sits and suffers and I just can not bare it sometimes, hearing her crying all day in pain but still refusing to take anything to ease her pain. 

i got married in March last year, and I just feel like the worse wife sometimes. Sometimes I think I’ve just ruined my husbands life because he’s now stuck with me and I’m going through all of this I just don’t have the energy to give our relationship the attention it needs most of the time. I moved back in with mum after our wedding because I wanted to spend what short time she has left, but it has taken a toll on my marriage. If I knew my mums cancer had come back before my wedding I wouldn’t have got married, not because I don’t love my husband but because I just don’t want to have go think or be responsible for another person and feel guilty for not being attentive enough towards him. I wish my sole focus could be my mum, which it mostly is anyway but I still think at the back of my head that I’m a married woman and it’s not just about me anymore. People expect me to always be okay, they think it’s been ages that my mums been sick now so I should just get used to it, but everyday feels like my world is ending, every day feels like a dark cloud constantly over my head. 
so sorry I’ve waffled on so much, right now this is my only form of expression my feelings. In the real world I simply put on a mask and continue as normal, as if I’m okay 

Hi Sara9, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's good you're writing down your feelings rather than bottling it up. My dad has terminal bowel cancer,  so I can relate to how you feel. It's so difficult to see our loved ones suffer and not have someone to talk to. My friends don't understand either, so I've learnt to handle things by myself. My diary is my best friend, writing is therapeutic for me. The Macmillan helpline is available if you want to chat to someone, I've called them a few times when my dad was first diagnosed. We all handle our emotions in different ways, please do reach out to your GP or have a chat with the palliative care nurse about how you feel and your mum's situation about the painkillers. My dad's GP and palliative care nurse are very supportive, I know I can talk to them about how I feel. 

You mentioned you're the translator for your mum, just a suggestion,  would it help if you got a translator to help offload the pressure from you? Would your mum be more likely to listen to a translator who is not family?

How you feel is completely normal, all these overwhelming and anxious feelings. It shows how much you love your mum, you're such a good daughter to move in with your mum. I've been a hermit and put my life on hold,  my life revolves around my dad. It's understandable your mum is at the centre of your life during this difficult time. Have you had a chat with your husband about how you feel? There's no need to feel guilty,  you're doing the best that you can.

Sending you strength and a big hug. There's always someone here on this forum and the helpline that will listen to how you really feel. It's difficult to put on a mask all the time, we all need an outlet for our emotions. Take care. 

Sending love and hugs