How to persuade him

Hi MaryJay,

I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. It is so difficult for the both of you x

I am having a similar difficulty with my dad who I care for. I can see how debilitating it is for him and the possible implications on his health, but I can't get him to accept any help or to make any changes. It really is heartbreaking as he still really values his independence even while he is still so unwell. He too doesn't want to take Imodium (despite finding it helpful in the past) and he won't tell me why or discuss it. I want to help, but like you I just feel bad for raising these difficult conversations and then feel defeated when he doesn't want to make any changes. 

I've been trying to encourage dad to speak directly to his team about things like this and have started to offer stepping out of the room while he talks to his team. Dad said recently in a separate conversation that he feels he has lost his privacy and sense of control. I wondered whether he would find it easier to tell a nurse what is happening rather than me.  

I'm finding it so hard to find a balance between giving him his independence which I know he wants and giving him the care which he relies on. I wish I had something useful to say to offer some support, but I just really empathized with your post.

Sending you both lots of love and please post on here for the support you need too. 

Dear Anxious Bookworm (that could be my name too), thank you for your kind and supportive message. I suspect that you are in an even more difficult situation than me - parents often don’t seem to take well to ‘advice’ from their children. 

Your point about lack of privacy and independence are very helpful. I’m quite controlling (hopefully in a kind way) and it’s more than possible that I need to step back a bit. I’ll find a way to talk about this to my husband and perhaps suggest that he speaks to his team directly more often. His hearing isn’t as good as it was and he also seems to have ‘chemo brain’ so I usually make/take all the calls.

Thank you again. It’s so reassuring to hear from others in a similar situation and to hear different and often better approaches to a problem. 

I wish you and your father all the best. 

This is my life too..I’m going through the exact same thing with my husband. I feel like I’m talking to the wall constantly. My husband has secondary Oesophagul cancer, and at the minute is going through confusion , delirium etc. he can’t have radiotherapy as he’s too weak. But trying to get him to drink is a nightmare. I can’t offer advice, but just want you to know your not on your own

Oh Jude, I’m so sorry to hear what you are having to cope with. The confusion and delirium must make it extra difficult.

I’m now putting a cup next to each place in the house where my husband sits with an inch or so of water in it. Then I just occasionally say have you had a drink recently? As soon as he drinks a small amount I top up the cup. So far this means he’s drinking a little more. I’d also forgotten that last year I bought some small ‘jelly pots’ and he was happy to have those - worth a try.

Thank you for sharing with me. It does help to hear that other people are experiencing similar problems. It makes me feel less mean and bossy.

MaryJay x

I'm so pleased to read that he is drinking a little more in your post below - that is brilliant and credit to you for being innovative and finding a way Wishing you both all the best