Young career and I’m struggling to watch my mum everyday

Hi, I’m 18 and about 4 month ago was informed by my father and sister that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. They have known for over a year now and unfortunately my mum has decided not to take treatment. She doesn’t trust medications as she has been let down before so she is incredibly paranoid going into treatment. My father and sister have been struggling for a very long time and it is had  quite a toll on them in terms of they are emotionally and physically tired of trying to convince my mother. My mum usually does a run where she agrees she’s getting treatment 2-3 days to the appointment she admits herself in to AE For something completely different trying to miss her appointment. She’s done it once since I’ve known to. 

She’s due to go the the chemotherapy appointment in 2 days and she’s already asking to go to A&E for her arm as it’s swollen so much to the point where she cannot walk properly, use her left arm. I am the oldest daughter at home and I have had to take on the role completely of being the ‘mother’ and also help my mum with essentials such as bathing, cooking her food , medication administration, travelling , putting on clothes and more. I love my mum so much and I am happy I can be here for her. My older sibling and father have completely washed their hand with my mums case because they are tired. But I can tj follow as I know my mum is scared of chemo and it’s hard walking down stairs at knight and hearing my mothers tears. I am forced to be the strong one in this family and basically make sure eveyones ok but I’m scared. This appointment in 2 days is my mums last chance of reversing her cancer. She says she’s going in but with her last attendance she doesn’t have a good record. It’s so hard because I know she’s scared. it is so overwhelming with university and I’m kinda stuck in a lot of dilemmas here

1) how do I manage my stress of taking on the career role of my mother and my fears that I’m soon going to lose her

2)how do I reassure my mother about chemotherapy 

3) how do I stay strong as I feel there is nobody I can truly talk to because I don’t want to be a pity party and make eveyone sad. 

im truly struggling to sleep and I have university but every time I try to attempt to do my work my emotions become unbearable and I’m crying everywhere and it hurts. My heart hurts that my mum doesn’t want treatment but then she says she does then backs out last minute.

I don’t know how to feel 

im scared 

I Love my mum 

I need my mum 

I want her to know how much I need her it’s hard staying into the same room as her within 5 minutes I’m tearing up and exiting the room because my younger siblings don’t know 

(apologies for bad English I’m writing this in the dark on the floor in my mums room)