Lost for words

Hi, my mum's diagnosis came as a shock when they discovered a tumour when she went in with jaundice.
We have been told it is inoperable and she has months to live. What are we supposed to do with that?

I already feel like the same as you and I have tried very hard to enable her to stay in her flat like she wanted but I also live so far away and my sisiter-in-law (who lives nearby) thinks mum should be in a care home.

Do you also feel frustrated not knowing how much of the way she is relates to the condition, how much she has given up or how much is old age suddenly hitting her?

Hi, I’m so sorry your poor mum is going through this. As well as the people around her seeing her go through it, it’s so hard isn’t it,  my mum has lung cancer - she been having treatment for 2.5 years - august she was told she had completed the treatment the cancer had shrunk and was stable -  in October it looked like she had a stroke - straight to A&e/ confirmed lesion on brain, she has undergone 5 sessions of full brain radiotherapy -  finished that 2 weeks ago- only way to describe is like a brain damaged victim - she can’t move in a wheel chair she can’t speak properly - she needs some one 24/7- ( she was the most independent person )  I feel like I am grieving for some one who is still here - how does this make any sense -  I’m on edge all the time ,  so I totally know how you feel about your mum , it’s exhausting and mentally torturing-  and I feel for everyone who is going through this , xxx I hope your mum gets some good results please keep us updated xxx. Lots of love x 

Hi Flowergirl01,

Like yourself, I tried my damnedest to hide how I was or was not coping from my late wife and, in doing so, it nearly destroyed me. It took me about 3 years before I couldn't take it any more and had a meltdown in front of her. To my shame and amazement, she understood and was the one comforting me (and wondered why I had been so bloody stupid to try and hide it from her).

From then on, all our cards were on the table 24/7. Pre-cancer, we had discussed everything - nothing was off limits. I was still the same person. Marg, although ill, was still the same beautiful person. Why had we let cancer get in between us?

Your mum is still your mum. Talk to her and let her know how you're feeling. You may need to dance around the topic a bit so it doesn't  accidentally become a blame game, but honesty is your strongest armour and your best defense.

The mum you love is still in there.

Talk to her and let her be your mum. She's really, really good at it. :)

Peace,
Ewen :)

Hello

I'm so sorry you, we, are going through  this. It's heartbreaking and overwhelming. I haven't read all the post or replies as I'm feeling it today. I just know ... feel it too. I will do as I feel I've done all my life, act a part, base it upon the nurses I've met who just try to bring strength, warmth and support. A ray of sunshine and hope. That's who I'll be, to cope.

Find some relief in a hot bath, try to read a book, meditate, switch off for a few minutes. Speak to professionals and trusted friends, family. You're doing your best. You're human. Hugs to all xxx

It's not easy is it?

It's helpful to have others here to listen, while we can be honest and unload. I'm caring for my Dad who was diagnosed in May, terminal also. He's being so brave and wanting to live independently but gets so confused and not taking care of himself. He lives alone and has done so for many years and is fixed in his ways. It breaks my heart that he is alone at this time of his life but I have to respect his wishes and not see his world through my eyes, I have to see the world through his if I am to bring him comfort.

I cry for the time we're not together - is he ok, is he lonely, is he in pain? I'm frustrated that this is time I can't get back with him and want to be there all the time, but it's not what he wants; besides I have a home family and job to maintain too (I'm exhausted mentally and physically) and I want to bring my best self to him. He wants to do his thing, live his (now very little in all ways) life his way, moving from room to room in his home.

Maybe open the conversation with her - what would make life enjoyable right now (within the confines of your situation)? I had imagined dad would want to go places and see people, but he doesn't. He wants the simple things, watching elephants on TV while we share a coffee brings him immense pleasure (never did this before!) - were trying all the new coffee's available in the supermarket together. This would never have been a highlight if we hadn't talked about it! And then he's exhausted and asks me to leave so he can go back to bed. It's not much, it's not enough for me, but it's enough for him.

Flowergirl I wish the best for you and your mum (for everyone here). 

These emotions are new and uncomfortable - Be kind to yourself x

I love that your dad enjoys watching elephants on TV sharing a coffee. My husband is currently awaiting more chemo as his cancer has spread. We also enjoy those simple pleasures. Just enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in each other's company. Keep doing that.