Feeling selfish

Hi, I've been married 51 years husband had bowel cancer . Had chemo and radiation therapy. Then op, resulting with a stoma. Had infection in hospital and was in 5weeks. Walked in came out in wheelchair. Now 18 months on has not reqaoned his strength or mobility. All day everyday same story , he never wanted a colostomy bag and shouldn't of agreed to it. Was told can eat what you like and life will carry on as normal. No. No. No. Not true for him . Now it's like a bad ground hog day. Every day a misery. Fave like thunder moans constantly. If I tell him he is clear now and still alive. All I get is his got it not me. Moans about Everything! No stop. Can't manage his bag so I am now stoma nurse changing his bag. When ever. Day and night. Can't leave him as it's unpredictable. I feel guilty if I moan but he's making my life a misery. So your not alone. 

It’s such hard work …putting up with all the nastiness , I’ve not spoken to my hubby for 3 days …if I don’t talk to him he can’t snipe at me 

he’s a hospital appointment tomorrow and there’s a maggies centre there, so while he’s being mr nice guy ( that’s another thing he does ! ) I’m going to pop in there …I’ll tell him where I am and if he’s out before me he can come and find me …or wait outside , his call 

thanks for replying , I hope things get better for you but I’m also glad it’s not just me xxx

Hi' I've just joined and read this,  I am feeling very selfish, too, and I'm not going through half as much as you are.  

Did you find the maggies centre is the right one to try?  I don't want to moan to my closest friends, I worry that that will just dominate our friendships and I don't want that to happen - I think they'll get fed up with hearing about it.  So it would be good to know where I could go for a good old selfish complain.  I know it's selfish as I am not the one going through the illness and treatment - I'm trying to look affter myself, as they tell you to, but i'm just so low and trying to keep bouncy and positive for everyone else around me. Others see me as a very strong person but I certainly don't feel it.

This is my experience too. Hubbys treatment finished. Monitored yearly now. Won't see anyone for some on going issues. Very grumpy with me, nice with every one else. I am at my wits end not knowing what to do dor the best.

Just wanted to say you are not alone.

Take care.

Thank you, Ladyel.  Thank you for saying I'm not alone.  I know the feeling - if hubby feeling and behaving grumpy, it feels bad to be grumpy back or to fly off the handle with him.  It would cause more guilty feelings.  It would be nice for husband to acknowledge that we partners have gone through lots of emotions too, while supporting and being strong for them (as well as the practical stuff we do while they are going through treatment).  

The one thing that's kept me (reasonably) sane is I've tried to get out of the house (for any reason really) for about an hour a day. Sometimes spreading things I could do in one morning over three days or so,  Just for a reason to get out and have a bit of breathing space for myself. 

I still think I need to find out more about any drop-in centres for carers - I think it would be nice and supportive to go in and have a moan (and hopefully a laugh or two) with carers facing similar stuff. 

Take care and thank you again.

Thanks everybody for your replies…these men can be REALLY hard work ….the bowel scare turned out to be fine but the scan showed a swelling on his arota …the big vein that goes all the way down the body…we have an appointment next week …we know this will continue to swell and he’ll need regular scans which will eventually lead to a patch being attached …it just never stops ..we get one thing cleared and something else starts …the good news is , is that it’s been found , and we’re back to onwards and upwards …apart from his shoulders/ upper arms not working now..he’s had an injection in one but the right shoulder has a complete tear …another appointment to look forward too …but…at least it gets us out of the house it’s been a long wet miserable winter …and we finished off with the tornado hitting us, we was lucky it only sideswiped us …it probably thought …they’ve had enough going on …so we counted our blessings for that one…others weren’t as lucky unfortunately xxx

This has really struck a nerve with me! My husband of 40 years has bowel cancer with secondaries in lungs and lymph nodes. Diagnosed in May. Given 6-10 months. Chemo was stopped about a month ago as he was very dehydrated and it was affecting his kidneys. The oncologist said the negatives were more than the positives. So... palliative care now. They have been great with pain medication. (Pain is a recent thing. Until now he would’ve described it as constant discomfort)

We have a bad marriage. Especially now with all of this. So I am not in the same situation as some who are losing their one true love/soulmate...and I feel almost guilty in the face of others suffering, to launch into this. 
But... he is SO unrelentingly horrible. He spat at me today because he said I turned my back on him. He gets me up time and time again at night purposely to disturb my sleep - but some nights won’t get me up at all to show me the difference. He says he will empty the bank account before he dies and leave me destitute. He threatens to not allow the cat in the house or to let me feed her. He says that these are all the consequences of my appalling behaviour/attitude to him.

He hates me and says I am going out of my way to try and make his last days a misery.
I am no saint. I am resentful and angry and I can’t find joy in this situation. But I do EVERYTHING practical for him. I am dressing/undressing, fetching and carrying everything, changing and dealing with his ileostomy bag. I do all admin and cooking, cleaning, washing, driving, pushing him in his wheelchair around miles of shops.

But here’s the rub... These past few days he is SO healthy you could almost say he’s cured; walking for 100’s of yards (when previously he’d be in the wheelchair and barely able to get into it.) 
I had accepted that I would do whatever he needed until the end. But if the end is going to be a long way off now I’m not sure if I can - I certainly don’t want to carry on in this hell. I have asked but of course no one knows how long he has left. I am beginning to think I’m living with someone who will defy medical science.

I’m a bit relieved to have written this down and that I have the nerve to post it!

Let it out girl... you won't get judgement here. I've said many times to my husband on this journey god imagine what it must be like if we didn't get on, how much harder would it be on both of us. I think you have to turn your focus back on you and your needs. Still be there practically for him but put energy into you and your life looking  forward. 

It's important to still maintain friendships and have a life of your own even if its simple stuff like a walk without him or a yoga class or whatever brings you joy. Build your resilience by doing something just for you everyday even if its a small thing and journal about it at night. Make it a priority and imagine a shield of protective energy surrounding you so that his unkind words and actions can't penetrare and affect you. 

I'm so sorry you are being treated this way. Stay strong for you and the life you have ahead of you.  

Thank you so much. After I hit post I thought ‘you shouldn’t have said that’ it’s a comfort to think that someone ‘gets it’ (or at least doesn’t think me a monster)

DaisyD22....  DIFarmgirl puts it so well. We all have such different situations but I think what cries out is that you really need to try to think about yourself more. You and your future life are so important. Time to look after you now. Building up doing a little for yourself every day , just getting out.. you are doing so much for him already. I hope there's more practical.advice for you from someone about the way he's treating you generally.