Hi everyone - i posted on a few threads but incase im reds I'm 44 and im an only child my beautiful strong amazing mum was diagnosed back in july with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer she has a 5cm tumour in upper right lung and the cancer has also took up residence in her lymph nodes in all her chest so surgery wasn't an option . Mum managed her pain with morphine and pain patches then we had combined chemo and immuno treatment back on 8th Sept and since then we had 5 hospital stays with various infections in and out of A&E with no real answers.................. our family is so small there's my nanna who up until recently lived with my mum she is 91 bed ridden and has dementia mum was her full time carer but then we discovered mum was ill so nanna is now in a nursing home which has been hard in itself then there's mum me and my 20 yr old daughter my dad isn't around and i have no siblings just my partner who has been a rock - i don't know how to explain but i been on auto pilot just gong through the motions hospital appointments numerous trips in ambulances medications battles with doctors over mums needs inside i want to scream feel like I'm in sinking sand and its getting harder even though i know that this is just the beginning i have a stone poker face and I'm just sorting everything visiting mum making sure everything is as ok as possible and seeing other family members family friends etc it looks like i got my stuff together and they keep saying im managing - but deep down I'm not i so scared i have been a team with me and mum all my life and to see her in pain suffering and i cant take it away killing me inside - i am the person my partner says i put things away in boxes and don't tell people how i feel and let them in and i cant help it it just way i am my mum has been my queen my rock all my life and i cant imagine that changing - ive become the parent looking after mum just feel so guilty that i feel like this when its mum going through the physical and emotional pain is this normal ? i just want my mum to be my mum out pain etc and i know she wont be we have no secrets we talk about everything and even difficult conversations we share but im so so scared that if i let anyone see I'm scared it all crumble around me and mum cant see that - would love to hear from anone who knows what i mean apologies for moaning when i know peoples lives are so challenging and hard right now many thanks xxx
Hi orphan reds
I went through all sorts of things with my wife before I reached out for help. The classic of just rolling with the punches and keep going until I broke. I walked in to my local Maggies and basically cried for most of an hour as I sobbed out my story.
They helped me realise something had to give, I got support from my GP and had a break from work that helped to nudge me back.
We had to learn a new normal - we have been living with cancer now for over 10 years. If we look at your feelings when someone has cancer we see denial is very common.
Really don't see you as moaning though - just like the rest of having a bit of a struggle in what many would think an impossible situation - yet somehow we cope.
<<hugs>>
Steve
