Today felt like a rehearsal for what is to come. My husband is in hospital with bile duct cancer and very low blood pressure. I am alone at home and have been for a few days. I realised that in some ways this is how my life in the future is going to be - making decisions on my own, what and when to eat, to go to bed, to get up, to go for a drive and where to go - things that we always did together. There is silence in the room now. I know that he is still here although in a hospital ward tonight and that helps, I know that he will come home this time - but one day he won't. One day I will truly be on my own and I don't want that day to come. I want to hear again the laughter, the 60's music that he loves, hear the memories of stupid things he did as a young man before we met, to remember our wedding, holidays, hobbies shared. A lifetime of things I want to experience again. It brings it home to me how real this thing is. For a few precious hours I can forget this is happening but then suddenly something happens and it all becomes real again. Today is a rehearsal for a role I don't want to play but I must. I am feeling sorry for myself and guilty for thinking more about the changes in my life instead of concentrating on the time he has left. But today is a rehearsal not yet the reality.
Hi Clancy1976
Sorry to hear about your husband, if does sound like a very difficult position and one many of us will recognize. I used to travel quite a lot with my work so my wife was fairly used to me being away for a while but it did feel very odd when I was the one alone in our house.
When my wife got cancer I was in a similar position and in the end it got to me, finally I walked in to my local Maggies and essentially broke down and cried - and it was probably the best thing I could have done. It is amazing what these kind people - total strangers - can do to help us at this time. One lesson I had to learn was how to look after me - because as every carer comes to recognize we need some strength for the difficult times and we need to recharge us too - otherwise we break.
Music can be a great tool but also sometimes a hidden landmine. When my dad died I could not really cope with bagpipe music without thinking of him and missing him - but as time goes on I remember more of the good times.
Hope you find a way to make the most of every day - cause each day is precious - as they say that is why they call it the present.
<<hugs>>
Steve
