Last night was one of the worst nights in my life I think and I know it's going to get worse. My husband has not been eating or drinking more than a few sips for a few weeks now and weight has fallen off him. Last night he struggled to get to the toilet and I heard a loud noise - went upstairs to find him laying on the floor between the bathroom and bedroom - totally unable to get up and telling me he was struggling to breathe. Called the ambulance as I am unable to pick him up despite his low weight. They were really good but as always it took time for them to get here. They got him up and back to bed - said he didn't need hospital as it was obvious his low blood pressure which caused the fall was the result of dehydration and to drink more liquids. They were happy to leave him because the District Nurse and Palliative nurse are coming this morning and could check him over. I didn't sleep more than half hour and I'm tired out. It was the first time that I have really seen the changes in him and it shocked me to the core. Where has the strong, capable man I love gone - now his body is old, thin and unable to lift him.
I think it was then that I realised the ambulance is probably the first of many, that I am going to have to get use to calling them and trying not to cry as I explain to them.
It had been such a good day as well - it was the first time I hadn't needed to go to the chemist for either him, me or my 88 year old sister in law and I hadn't had any phone calls from her needing me to go out, call the doctor or be there. The doctor had been on Thursday and had given him the impression that he has more than a year left and he was very happy about that so I had taken the time to pamper myself a bit with a long bath and was relaxed for what felt like the first time in months. Was just locking up to go to bed and then this happened.
I am now scared he will fall over again and I am afraid to go out and leave him for much time now. I also look at him and think there's no way you are going to make it for another year.
I am scared of what's to come, how I will cope and how I will feel - I'm crying most days when I'm on my own now
Hi Clancy1976
totally get the "it was such a good day ... and then .." bit. Sometimes it can teel life is just out to trip us up.
When my mum started to become less stable she had a push button on a lanyard that connected to the phone and would trigger an automatic phone call system. She also had a device on her walking frame so if that was knocked down - again triggered the phone system.
Of course that relies on having someone the phone system can call and of course with mobile phones we can all be more available than we were before.
With my wife's cancer I certainly did the crying bit - often in the shower so nobody saw. Then I did a living with less stress course and came to realise that as much as I worried it could block me seeing what was good. Life still loves to throw us a curveball though.
<<hugs>>
Steve
