Feeling emotional and overwhelmed

Hi Emily190698 

That "I need to be strong bit", totally get it and I was pretty much a fail. Eventually I reached out for help and initially that was taking the pressure off and at that point it was only really work that could give. Later I did a living with less stress course and it helped me realise I was trying to work out how I would cope without Janice rather than appreciating what we have. Life still likes to throw curveballs though and fortunately the conscious breathing tips can help to deal with them - as they say take a deep breath..

If we look at looking after someone with cancer we can see how common our feelings are and sometimes just recognising this new normal is typical can help to give us some more control.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Emily190698

How you’re feeling is completely understandable given what you’re coping with. I’m sure lots of people will recognise what you’re describing, I know I do. That feeling of wanting things back how they were before and then knowing they can’t be and there’s a long way to go at times can be overwhelming, but there is usually a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel even if it’s a long one. I’m sure you will get to the point of being able to share with someone how you’re feeling. I found forcing myself to keep busy helped a bit when I was very upset so I didn’t just keep crying.

sending strength and support x

Not rambling at all. I am.much older nearly 70 and husband 78 opted for chemotherapy. I feel constant anxiety about how I will cope, though on the surface am keeping ridiculously busy and doing what I can. Guilt at not being the one with cancer, not doing enough to help etc etc. Reality is not being in control of things is a new one and hopefully acquiring new skills re coping will help. I have used a meditation app which helps empty my head at night. Maybe this might be an option for you. Take care. 

Hi Emily 190698.  I am caring for my husband aged 76.  I'm 77.  He is a very proud, independent and ,dare I say it, very stubborn man.  He has had chemo and radiotherapy for sclc and has had some quite nasty and painful side effects from both.  However, two days ago I noticed his lovely hair was growing back again.  The burning of the trachea nymph nodes has now been relieved with fentanyl patches and the passing of time. I have never felt so utterly helpless and useless in my life.  I too try to keep a positive outlook for him and everyone else and it is so tiring.  I feel guilty that I feel I'm not coping - I can't do anything to help him feel better.  How I wish it were me rather than him who is going through all this. We spent over 5 hours in the acute oncology assessment unit of our Macmillan centre yesterday because he was experiencing difficulty in breathing.  He is now on steroids. Life is beginning to get me down and I feel so damned guilty.

What I have 'forgotten' to say is that prior to the cancer diagnosis he was beginning to show signs of early onset dementia.  Whether it is the passage of time or the treatments [or both] he's been undergoing it has progressed to the stage where his ability to get time lines in the right order.  This is all leading to yet more stress and upset as I have to contradict him in social/medical situations or I just keep quiet, which really isn't good.  Sorry to be ranting but I am just finding life very very difficult at the moment.

Another 'forgotten' thing.  He is becoming rather nasty.

Hello Jane.  You've just described what I'm  doing and feeling. My husbands just finished 7 weeks radiotherapy on throats, tensions are high and communications bad , I get things wrong re care,  very tense,  seems to be pushing us apart 

Hi Emily, 

I always find it upsetting to read other people's distressed messages because they upset me but that's because so much resonates with me and to so many others. Some people say you have to be strong or we tell ourselves that but then your setting yourself up for an impossibly high standard. It's OK not to be strong, to wobble, to cry, to feel absolutely awful and I get the trying to protect your partner but in my experience it didn't help to protect and there is something very bonding about sharing your vulnerabilities together. My husband never wanted to tell me anything and I try to shield him but that can create an incredible pressure and I found a bit of a void. I found if I talked, he would and I would feel calmer and closer to him. My partner also dealt with things slightly different, he's a bit more practical I'm the more emotional one generally. 

I would add I used my local macmillan center for support, some people have a maggies, they were  wonderful and I would use the chat and phone service, i also had my friends and family. I would say take as much help as you can, as that will help you support your partner. Sending you hugs. 

Thank you Steve i didn't think it would help finding others who are going through similar situations as me but it is reassuring that I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling. 

Thank you x

Thank you for your reply, I am trying to work on my coping skills and now my partner was discharged yesterday I'm feeling a bit less emotional. Best luck to you and your husband x