Feeling emotional and overwhelmed

Emily190698 over 1 year ago

16 replies
50 subscribers
1157 views

Hi Everyone.

My partner has had Hodgkins Lymphoma for the last year. He had ABVD treatment for about 6 months which worked very briefly but came back very quickly (in his first PET scan) so he is currently in hospital recovering from LACE chemo and a stem cell transplant. He has a fairly good prognosis generally as it was only stage 2b hodgkins but I am feeling incredibly emotional and anxious about his discharge which hopefully should be in about 2 weeks.

I have a good support system from mine and my partner's parents and my colleagues at work are also supportive as my partner also works at the same place as me (although has been off sick the majority of the time since his diagnosis). My partner is absolutely amazing he never complains and is always putting on a brave face when I go to visit him and he wants to make sure I am okay but I can't tell him how much I am struggling. I work 4 days a week (as I dropped a day since his diagnosis) so I am not home that much on my own as I do 10+hour days at work but most days I get home and I can't stop crying, I'm finding being on my own so upsetting because all I can think about is my partner being in pain and the fact that even after he is discharged he will have such a long recovery time and I am terrified I am going to do something wrong in taking care of him and him getting an infection and getting sick again.

I know I need to tell him or my family about how upset and emotional I'm feeling but I can't bring myself to I hate feeling vulnerable and getting upset in front of anyone apart from him but because he has been so strong the whole time I don't to upset him by him seeing how much it has affected me. His hospital stay has been much worse for me than the previous treatments. I also feel selfish because him being ill has put our whole life on hold and I just want everything to go back to normal but he's not going to be fully recovered for at least 6 months and I'm struggling with that too. We're only young I'm 25 and he's 29 and I know he will survive this but I'm just terrified about losing him regardless.

Sorry this has been very rambling I just feel so lost.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Emily190698 over 1 year ago in reply to JaneD

Hi Jane, I appreciate your reply, It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be there now that my partner has been discharged and we can start to try and get back to a normality.

Best wishes, Emily x

Emily190698 over 1 year ago in reply to zebra

Hi Zebra,

I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. I know what you mean about feeling guilty as I do too, but the fact that you're there with your husband supporting him and helping him with his needs is more than enough and you shouldn't feel guilty. The fact that he's got early dementia signs must also be devastating to you but deep down he is still your husband and I'm sure he loves and appreciates you greatly.

I hope things get better soon for you.

Best wishes, Emily x

Emily190698 over 1 year ago in reply to Kat55

Hi Kat,

Thank you for your reply. I feel our situations are quite similar as my partner is the more practical one while I am usually more emotional so it's reassuring to see someone going through this is a similar way. Now that he is home I think I will try and talk to him more transparently about how I am feeling without stressing him out and hopefully then we can start to move on from this as a stronger, closer unit.

Best wishes, Emily x

MKBE over 1 year ago

Hi Emily,
My partner is about his age and she is about to enter hospital for LACE on Monday. I understand this is an incredibly difficult time and my heart goes to you. I'm happy to chat directly as well about my experience, but getting professional help can be a very powerful tool as a carer, as you need to take care of yourself too!

If you're able to, I'd love to hear from you how LACE and the transplants went for your partner, as my partner is anxious and has not been able to talk to someone who went trough the same thing yet.

Sending my support,
Michael

Emily190698 over 1 year ago in reply to MKBE

Hi Micheal,

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate the sentiment. I'm more than happy to let you know how I think the lace chemo went for my partner, I will privately message you.

Beat wishes,

Emily

DK76 over 1 year ago

I know exactly how you feel. I've been a total mess since my husbands AML diagnosis. He wanted to carry on working when he felt well enough, but since he got sepsis back in May I've been signed off with stress and anxiety. He had his stem cell transplant yesterday, but nearly changed his mind about having it at the last minute. I cant guess what is going on in his head. He says he's happy with hid life he's done a the things he wanted to do and is pleased we have had these few extra months together.

You must tell someone and use all the councilors and support available to you. It really does help. We have a 2 year wait now to see if all is well. Just take a day at a time and share your worries with someone.

Wishing you both the best

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