Dealing with a partners cancer diagnosis

Hi..I hear you.

My partner was diagnosed with kidney cancer in Dec....I cannot cope with the uncertainty and lack of control! Who knew I was a control freak!?  I think like you it's the not being able to do anything and that's certainly not a selfish. I've literally just joined here for some support and being able to talk to others who are going through this crap journey.

Take care x

I’m so glad I’m not the only one feeling like this .  His prognosis is good but he may not be able to swallow or eat for a while towards the end of the radiotherapy and it’s scaring the life out of me . It’s definitely a control thing, I sailed through my breast cancer treatment and probably didn’t even think about how it may have been affecting others around me which makes me feel worse now I’m on the other end of it . 

Hi 

I am new to this site. My husband had a nephrectomy nearly 4 weeks ago and they managed to save 2 thirds of his left kidney . I am devastated and scared at the same time he's not very well at the minute.  Got appointment with surgeon later this month just hope he's hoing to be OK. Like everyone I just feel so alone . Thanks for listening 

Jaxx

I think you have it spot on - as the carer you are worried about things he is likely "about to start suffering with", and getting ready to be in a position to support in the best way, when you are needed, where the patient remains completely in the present, just dealing with today's issues and getting to tomorrow. You are imagining all of the what ifs and hows, while he deals only with what is, because that's more than enough.

I often feel that way. My husband has head and neck issues, see profile. He has lost 20% of his body weight so far this year, and is currently on a liquid only diet. He is remarkably managing without a PEG/RIG/NG tube, but those things will be used if they are needed - dietitian is keeping a close eye on him. There was a point where he discharged himself from hospital 2 days after maxillectomy and I was crying on the way to the hospital to collect him, wishing they would have kept him in longer, because I was terrified and felt completely unprepared to look after him alone - but it worked out in the end. As seems to keep happening.

There is nothing selfish in feeling overwhelmed by the caring role. Nothing prepares you for it. And it is just so hard when the person you would normally lean on if overwhelmed is the patient, so you just hold all this stuff yourself, for as long as you can. Letting some of it out here, or to a friend is a good safety valve.

Thank you for replying. 

I am going through every emotion at the minute and just keep crying as it's the unknown and what's going to happen in the future and can't help feeling like this. 

He has been so brave never complaining when I know he is scared aswell. I hope all turns out well for you both and your experience of looking after your husband has helped me a lot so thanks again and I will try and keep strong and help him on the long road to recovery.  Take care x

It’s hard isn’t it when you try to be cheery and positive for them but feel torn up inside? My husband has kidney cancer but he wants me to tell him how I am feeling and be honest if I am not feeling so good. He says he can then be my hero and protector like he always was and be strong and comfort me? I guess the best way is clear communication and mutual emotional support. The practical help is the easy bit! 
Wishing you all the best from someone else who is only human. 

Thank you for your reply. 

It is hard and sometimes you are worried about telling your other half how your feeling not to worry them but you are so right it's better to express and confide in each other rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. 

It's reassuring to hear from someone who is going through the same thing. Hoping you and your husband all the best for the future. 

You are not selfish,   My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer on vocal cords 4 days before Christmas.  For 18 months my husband had been backwards and forwards to our GP surgery trying to see a GP but because the previous tests all came back clear and Covid was still an issue he could not get any further.  Eventually S/L referred him back to our GP as they were unable to make any progress with his voice, then and only then did we get that all important referral back to the hospital.  Moving on, he finished 7 weeks of RT in March and has just had a PET scan,  July we go back to the hospital for results.  He suffered very little during treatment, but since then all the side effects have come at him some staying, some coming and going, all i seem to be doing is watching him ‘fade away’. Trying to get him to eat is a BIG problem, Trying to get him to drink ensure drinks is not easy, listening to him coughing up phlegm every hour is hard, bad breath is something that has recently started and it doesn’t matter how many mints or chewing gum he uses , its still there, sometimes i feel the smell is escaping from all over his body, recently a pouch of skin appeared under his chin, apparently this too is one of the side effects.  Every aspect of this disease is horrid and I’m scared, frightened and feel so so alone at times. 

I'm so sorry to hear about what you both are going through and it is frightening and scary no matter how many people tell you otherwise .

No one who hasn't been touched by cancer can't know what it feels like. I can only help my husband and try and understand what he's going through and at the same time I feel like I'm having a worse time than him and that makes me feel awful and have often wished it was me instead of him because it hurts so much to watch your loved ones in this predicament. 

I send all my best wishes to you and your husband x

That sounds so much like our position here.  (4 weeks post re-radiation to head/neck). I was beginning to think we were seeing light at the end of this particular tunnel Thurs/Friday ... today my husband is again struggling to swallow anything thinner than whole milk (such as water/saliva). We thought we might have avoided the need for PEG/RIG ... but today,  maybe it's too soon to be sure.

It is just horrid to watch him struggle and lose so much weight ...

We are also waiting for PET results with you!