Hello everyone,
My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer last spring. After a very major surgery that rearranged his anatomy and left him with a colostomy, plus a 6 month course of chemotherapy, we basically just tried to get on with things. He has ongoing neuropathy after treatment. He has made heroic efforts to come to terms with his colostomy (it's not working). The surgery saved his life but also severed some pelvic nerves which has caused sexual dysfunction. We lived that first year in a daze of sorts. He had his one year CT scan that showed some unusual changes. We had a reversal surgery for the colostomy set up privately, due to NHS wait times, but a few days before it was set to go ahead the surgeon cancelled it because his scans weren't totally clear, and also she felt that given his altered anatomy, the surgery was too complex for her to handle in the private setting. He had more scans, PET and another CT, and they ruled out any tumours or recurrence. Now we are going to see the NHS surgeon to ask if a colostomy reversal is possible or if his anatomy makes it more risky. I feel like I should be really happy that he has had the all clear at the one year scan, and from what we understand the clear one year scan means that his likelyhood of recurrence goes down significantly. Not to zero, mind you, but it does go down a lot. But wierdly, I don't think I feel happy particularly. I understand it is good news and the opposite news would be terrible. I'm also aware of how privileged we are to pass the first year scan with good results, lots of people don't get to experience that. But I feel unable to feel real happiness, or even real relief. I'm beating myself up for not feeling happy, and I don't know what I'm feeling instead. I'm depressed actually, and not sure where to turn to for support. I thought that a clear first year scan would be my holy grail or sorts, and it isn't turning out that way. I've looked at that paper by Paul Harvey about cancer and emotions but don't feel it fits my situation. If anyone has suggestions for other reading material that can help me, I'd welcome that information.
Hi Rosie24
Sorry to hear about your husband and everything you have both been going through.
My wife has Leiomyosarcoma and we have been on the journey for getting on for 10 years. Her cancer is not at least currently curable but has become stable and we have learnt to live with that - but it took time and lots of help.
What mostly helped me was a living with less stress course. Living in the here and now rather that that future that I always managed to imagine much worse that actually happened. The conscious breathing exercises really helped both to relax more generally but also when life decides it is time to throw a new curve ball. Transcendental meditation thought was not really my think.
One of the books that seemed to help our son was Secret C: Straight Talking about Cancer by Julie A. Stokes
If you think it might help you do remember we can all ring the Macmillan helpline too as sometimes talking can add an extra turn to typing at each other on here.
<<hugs>>
Steve
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