Hi first time posting here.
A year ago, my partner was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer whilst she was 32 weeks pregnant. The baby was born early so we could start treatment.
It was the scariest time of my life, but I managed to just pull it together, getting strength I never thought I had. Looking back it, I see that what was getting me through each day was the fact we were facing this together. This wasn’t the journey we had planned for our life but it was the one that was handed to us and as long as we were doing this together I knew that is all I needed to keep me strong.
A year on, I have never felt so alone in my life. My partner’s cancer spread right through her spine and after lots of surgery she’s not able to care for our daughter, this breaks my heart seeing her not able to fully mother our daughter. Her parents came over to England to help us out with the baby so that I could go back to work, I work remotely but after a couple of months of compassionate leave I had to get back to work, I can’t afford to be out of work otherwise I would have happily given up work and looked after my girls full time. Anyway her parents have now been living with us since June last year, I like them and get on with them but they are very controlling people, I’m completely on the outside looking in and no longer feel like I’m part of this journey. I still attend all the hospital appointments and consultations but they have complete control over the care of my partner and our daughter. I am eternally grateful for their help, don’t get me wrong but our house dynamic is the four of them (partner, daughter and her parents) and then me to the side. We haven’t spent anytime together since she left hospital in November following her extensive surgeries and we’ve not even spent one evening as parents to our daughter together since June last year. I want to be the one looking after both my daughter and my partner but there is just not enough time in the day; but with her parents looking after our daughter I thought I would be able to look after my partner as I can do things whilst I work as it’s not 24/7 as my baby daughter is. But her parents have taken that away from me too. I go to do something and it’s already done or her mum will do her washing and then I have no idea where her clothes are when she needs them so I’m of no use again.
I miss her so much, she is my best friend and I don’t even get to talk to her alone, I go to bed earlier as I just don’t see the point of sitting in the lounge being ignored and then my partner doesn’t come to bed until well after midnight meaning I don’t get to see her at all.
A year ago hearing the diagnosis was the hardest day of my life so far, but like I said earlier I was able to draw strength from our relationship, but now I don’t see my purpose anymore. I’m not her partner and I don’t feel like I’m our daughter’s father either. I’m just a guy who lives in this house with another family.
I have no idea how I’m supposed to talk to her about this as I feel like a selfish prick for even thinking like this when she’s the one with cancer. So that’s why I need to get this off my chest as I don’t see my friends anymore as I don’t want to risk catching something and passing it on to my partner, which makes me feel even more isolated.
We had some good news though in that her treatment is doing it’s job, her first treatment stopped working after only a few months, but now we’re on the right track. I was so happy with that news, but we didn’t even get the chance to properly talk about it as her parents were there when we got back from hospital. My partner is more process on her own kind of person, I’m more the talk it through person. I try and give my partner as much space as she needs as I know her and know she needs to be able to reflect and process in her own time. I obviously don’t mind this as that’s how she’s always been, but when she’s processed it I have no idea, I don’t know what she thinks about anymore, she doesn’t get to talk to me about it if she has processed it anyway.
I don’t know what I supposed to do anymore, I don’t know what point there is to me. I literally just do the food shopping and change the odd nappy when I get the chance to (you’ve never seen someone so happy to get the chance to change a nappy). I just thought we were doing this together and now it seems it’s her journey with her parents and I’m at the back door waiting to be let in.
Hi NewtonS
Family - we all need them but sometimes what we need most of all it a bit of distance from them. My brother-in-law was being very helpful in supporting us at one point. Then my sister-in-law decided to join in too. She can also be very controlling and things had to be done just her way. Caused a huge row - me in tears in the bedroom and my wife rather than feeling supported was stressed to breaking point.
I wonder if perhaps it might be worth considering talking to one of the staff on our helpline who might be able to help you frame your thoughts on how to approach your in-laws in a way that enables you to keep the support you need but also regain the control you also need.
As someone who has a disability myself I know how annoying it can be when others make decisions on our behalf, I wonder if your wife might actually be feeling that too and of course this could be a great example to set for your daughter.
<<hugs>>
Steve
