Struggling to cope

Hi Sibby,

My name is Matthew, and I’m from Macmillan’s Online Community team. I’d like to wish you a very warm welcome to the Online Community, and to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly.

I am glad to hear that your daughter has responded well to treatment, and that she is now in remission. I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling lonely and heartbroken, though. I just want to reassure you that it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions when supporting a loved one through cancer treatment. Experiences like this can put a tremendous strain on relationships, and you shouldn’t feel bad for recognising that you have your own emotional needs, too.

While you’re waiting for some of our other Community members to share their own thoughts and experiences with you, I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone, and Macmillan are here to support you.

If you would find it helpful to talk to us about how you’re feeling, our Macmillan Support Line teams can offer emotional support, every day from 8am to 8pm. It’s a confidential space, and our advisers can point you to further avenues of support as well as simply being a listening ear.

To get in touch, you can call 0808 808 00 00 for free, send us an email, or use our live webchat service during our opening hours.

If you are looking for some more specialist emotional support like counselling, you may find it helpful to get in touch with the registered charity, Penny Brohn UK. You can find their contact details and a description of their services at the website linked above. You and your daughter might also benefit from support from Young Lives vs Cancer and Teenage Cancer Trust.

Finally, I can also recommend reading one of our relevant Community News blogs linked here, as it has some excellent tips on self-care, and on seeking help.

I hope you will find the Online Community supportive and helpful. If you have any questions or you need any support with using our site, please feel free to get in touch with us in the Online Community Team. You can either message us via the private messaging system, or you can drop us an email at community@macmillan.org.uk.

Hi Sibby 

Welcome to our special family though so sorry to read your story - it is however rather more common than anyone might like to think.

My experience with cancer is quite different as it is my wife with Leiomyosarcoma but still really get the lonely and heartbreaking bit. If we look at this blog we can see this is really very common.

One thing I had to learn was to remember to look after me, I saw a great line on this the other day "fit your own oxygen mask first" and that really helped. Another thing I learnt on our journey was that often my wife wanted to talk - I suffered from the fairly typical response of wanting to fix things but in this case there was nothing I could actually do - except listen.

Talking about cancer is hard - yet it is so common that it is hard to find someone who has not been affected in some way, I know when I talk about cancer at work people often open up about their own experiences and it can help them come to terms with emotions they may have tried to bury.

My wife, my son and myself have been on our cancer journey to over 7 years now, we a living with cancer - and living life to the full.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Matthew, many thanks for your message. I will certainly look at some of the resources you suggested. Things feel better today and we have done a lot of talking over the last couple of days. It’s been peaks and very low troughs all the way through and I imagine that will be the case for some time to come  but I may be better prepared next time if I make use of what’s available. I really appreciate your support.  

Hi, Thank you for your message. It made me quite tearful (but in a ‘feeling connected’ kind of way which is good). I like the oxygen mask idea but when people said to look after myself in the early days I felt that they didn’t get it. Like a good night out would do it, but from someone with your experience it’s means a lot. Also, having felt that lack of oxygen I realise now that I can’t survive without looking after myself, which means being vulnerable and asking for help.  You have been on such a long road with your family experience so I admire your ability to  keep enjoying life when you can and being flexible to your wife’s needs. I also wanted to talk and my husband wanted to problem solve but in our case that ability to put his feelings away worked for my daughter and left me alone with my feelings. We are going to try a new way forward but I will try all the resources that have been recommended and use the forums to try and look after myself a bit better. Thank you and I hope this bank holiday brings you some joy. x