Feeling selfish

Hi Sea Sail

Well you have painted a very hard position that you are in, umm second wife/husband is always put at the back by the inherited kids i know too well, when she was away i was never called nor visited by her kids even now they come once maybe a month to see her not me, i just accept it as the norm and get on with my live, different for a man i guess but i have been around and lived out side UK i am courteous to them and leave it at that, at any previous family outs i was expected to pay so a ONA way street for a long time I have put a complete stop on that.

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2003 had the radiation treatment in 2004 PSA now 1.7 a nothing level hay 20 years  and just had the colon cancer clear also so good at 80 years keep your chin up maybe he will realize that you have spent many years of your LIFE looking after him kids did nothing as usual you are the one that needs comfort, not one bit selfish, all the best TBA123    

Thank you TB123 for your reply and kind words.

Sounds like you have had many challenges too! Glad to hear your are doing well. 

Thanks again and take care.

My situation is almost identical.  I am the second wife of 14 years. My husband has grown up children.  We ran a business together but due to his diagnosis (10 years ago) and us both being left without properties since our divorces we were never able to buy our own property.  We rent a big house (so we can host his family) , grandchildren etc.) and if and when he dies ( he has been very sick recently and he has no hope of cure) I too will not be able to afford to stay here and so am doing odd bits of consultancy work as I can’t commit to anything as he is so unwell.  I too will be husbandless and homeless.  My relationship with his family is as good as I could hope for but I do wonder how long that will last after.  The way I get through is to take one day at a time - that’s it. You cannot worry about what might happen, you can only deal with the challenges of today. I know how you feel - you are not alone x

Thank you for your reply Minou1970 Really appreciate it. 
I think I am still caught up in the shock and upset of his diagnosis and scared for the future. 

You are right - I should just take one day at a time. 

It’s just very scary because even in the last 2 1/2 weeks since his diagnosis so much has changed. I think it’s the fear of the unknown at this stage. I’m an organised person and this has thrown me in to a place where I have no control whatsoever. 

I’m really sorry to hear your husband is very sick recently. Sending you strength and a big hug xx

I know this sounds rather strange and I don’t wish anyone to be in this position but it does help knowing it’s not just me that is going through it.

Thank you so much for replying and reaching out. Means a lot. 

We’ve got this! 
Look after yourself and take care xx

Hi SeaSail,

None of that sounds selfish to me.  You and your partner are dealing with a lot right now and you need some time to catch up with what is going on.  Caring for someone with cancer (especially when the prognosis is in doubt) is always a mix of feelings (very often, "I can't cope with this situation - but does that mean I am wishing my partner away?" hint: it doesn't).

You are very articulate in describing your situation and I suspect that you know what you need to do and are probably psyching yourself up for it.  But let's walk through it anyway.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to be looked after if your partner should die.  I'm sure your partner wants this too.  Right now, he is probably not thinking straight and is focussing on things that he thinks he can control.  Uncomfortable as it is, the two of you need to make some time to talk.  From your message, I suspect that you are talking pretty well - but you need to sit down and talk.  It doesn't need to be a confrontation, you need to find a time when you are not in the middle of debating something else, get a cup of tea and ask to talk about the future.  You need to tell him all the things that you are scared about and give him a chance to reassure you.  By avoiding the conversation, you are fearing the worst and not giving him a chance to do otherwise.

It sounds like your relationship with your partner's kids is pretty reasonable.  I don't expect a lot of emotional intelligence from 17 and 21 year olds. :)  Plus, they may have been staying away partly to not put more pressure on you.

When my wife was first diagnosed, the best advice I received (and this is in the Macmillan literature) was to be honest with my kids (then 14 and 16).  So I told them what we knew (the type of cancer, and that it was incurable), but I didn't speculate about life expectancy (which is a pretty vague statistic).  When they asked me, I told them it was a few years - because that was the best I knew.  My wife was furious with me - but I told her that I couldn't lie to them because I wanted them to be able to trust me.  I would say that your partner is putting you in an impossible position if he wants you to lie to his children about prognosis - they are much more likely to forgive him for lying to them than they are to forgive you.  Perhaps once you have the full test results you can have this conversation with him too.

Practically speaking, you and your partner should find a solicitor and get your wills sorted.  Otherwise things will be very complicated if he does die.  Sorting your wills will force you to have some of these difficult conversations.  Once you have worked out what you are putting in them, you should sit together and talk to his kids about what the wills say.  That gives him a chance to explain things and maximises you having a decent relationship with his kids if he does go.

If possible, you should also change your lease so that you are both on it. 

You don't have to do all these things today or tomorrow, but it would be wise to plan to tick them off over the next few months.  Probably your partner is still reeling from the cancer diagnosis.  If he has his own business then he is probably a get-things-done kind of person.  I'm sure he doesn't want you to worry and he will want you to be looked after.

Towards the end of my wife's life I read a book called "a beginner's guide to the end" that helped me a lot with the practical things (like how to approach wills, etc).  You might find it helpful - though obviously you need to be mindful of your partner's perception of you reading such a book.

Meanwhile, look after yourself, please... Looking after someone with cancer is emotionally exhausting.  As well as spending time with him, you need to make sure you are taking some time for yourself away from your situation if at all possible.  Getting out to talk with friends, going for walks, whatever.

Big hugs...

Pete

Big hugs to you too.  The diagnosis is absolutely the worst time.  Similarly, there May be periods of stability through treatment and then when things worsen again, it’s hits you hard again.  
get some stuff in order - you need financial and health LPAs - power of attorney.  Find out via MacMillan what benefits you are entitled to - he may well be entitled to some PIP you could get carer allowance.  Make sure you know all the financial stuff - who the bills are with etc.  Get your wills written.  I know this stuff is hard too but it will give you some security.  Also, his kids have got years ahead of them to make their own way and I assume their own mother so you need to ensure what you can of your future. 
Im sure you have lots of skills which you can use to support yourself in the future too.  Tell yourself you will be fine whatever happens and again, you can only deal with what’s going on day by day - you can’t eat the whole elephant. We have got this! 

Tbh what is his psa and has it spread,  many men can live many years with treatment,  unfortunately just a waiting game and take one day at a time 

Tina 22  for information i was diagnosed in 2003 with prostate cancer psa 12  etc but with treatment its now 1.7   20 years later on continuing meds    we have good doctors and meds these days   all the best TB123 

Hi, we’ve just had the full test results come through on Tuesday this week and the consultant has said that it’s Stage 4 with the Gleason scale of 9. 
I asked about his PSA and it was upon first admission to hospital at 14,500 now after 2 hormone therapy injections three weeks ago his PSA is currently 1420. 
The cancer is in his bones - hips, spine and ribs. 

He had another overnight stay in hospital Last Wednesday and was given 2 transfusions of platelets and 2 transfusions of blood. 

Weekly chemo starts on Monday as his blood is so poor, instead of having it every three weeks. 
They are also giving him another hormone injection. 

Not looking like a good outcome but it’s also frustrating as the consultant won’t estimate a life span for him. I know they can’t really but it’s just to sort things out.

It’s so challenging to know what to do for the best. 
He’s really happy the psa has come down so much but I’m not convinced he’s accepted the situation at the moment. 

Thank you so much for your support and advice. 
I’ll definitely take your suggestions and get things sorted the best I can  - thank you so much.