Domicillary care

Hey Welshwife,

It is not uncaring.  It is your house, your sanctuary, your space.  Totally understandable that you want to minimise the number of people coming through.

As long as your dad is safe and you are able to provide him with the care that he needs, there is no issue with you continuing to do what you are doing.  And he probably prefers that to having carers in.  Carers are also a bit of limitation in that you have to be at home when they come round - and if they are late, your whole day will run late.  So there are good reasons to put off having carers in.

Carers are needed if it reaches a point where he is not physically able to look after himself, or where the burden of looking after him becomes too much for you physically.  My wife (who had a brain tumour) deteriorated very quickly towards the end of her life.  We were really reluctant to get any carer support in, but the hospice could see I was about to break (my back was starting to give me trouble) and they quickly did a referral to social care who, because Fi was end of life, did a rapid assessment and funded the care we needed.  Within two weeks we had gone from one visit a day to four visits a day, because she was going downhill so fast.  

So... it is your choice.  But don't leave it till you are completely exhausted or, worse, injured, before you look into it.  Perhaps you could explain to your brother how you are feeling and ask him to look into options?  That way, if you do ever need it, you know who you could call.  Or that might just be creating more work for you. 

Most importantly... try to make time to look after yourself... this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Pete

Thank you Pete. 

that made me feel so much better. Dad can walk but gets so breathless very quickly he could climb the stairs where the shower is. 

if we were to have carers come in they would have to come into our bedroom to use the shower with dad meaning the house would no longer feel like our home. I don’t think my brother realises this. He lives a 2.5 hour drive away. 

I don’t mind if the hospice nurses wanted to do that as it’s the same people who have always come but having more different people is most definitely unsettling. 

my husband is already struggling with having my dad here. I don’t think  he could cope with more people coming into our home. 

im sorry for complaining but I’m just so confused on what to do best. 

Hey welshwife,

Glad I could be of some use.

I guess, having read your response, without wishing to give you another job to do... I feel like you need to try to get your whole family on the same page. 

If your dad is under hospice care then I'm afraid things aren't likely to get better over time.  What does he want/need?  What can you cope with?  

Can you have a conversation now with your husband about what the future looks like? It is easier to do this before you are both at breaking point.  So that the two of you can agree on what is acceptable for you within your home.  There will need to be some compromise.  That will likely mean more people coming into the home for a season.

Likewise with your brother... can you loop him into the conversation as well, so that he understands what you are working with?  Then he might be able to push in the same direction.  Otherwise he may just be accidentally creating challenges when he comes to visit.

The hospice team may be able to help with some of these conversations. 

Big hugs,

Pete