Post Cancer Carer Depression

In the summer of '21 my 23-year-old brother was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin's lymphoma. He has previously had issues with severe depression and anxiety. He had to go through several rounds of chemo/radiation and it almost destroyed him mentally and physically. He had a rare reaction to chemo where he experienced extreme levels of pain and had to be hospitalized for it regularly. This left him suicidal at times. It broke my heart. I was with him every step of the way. He's cancer free now, but has bad days and can easily tire/get chemo brain.

Almost immediately after he went into remission, my mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. It was a nightmare. She is alone and also struggles with her mental health and drinks often. Too much. My brother couldn't handle it, as he had barely just gotten through his own illness. He took a bit of a step back during this time to protect himself (he also had to postpone graduating, so was focusing on school), so I was with her at every appointment, consultation, etc. She had surgery and the recovery was brutal for her both physically and mentally - at times it felt impossible to watch.

While we were managing my mom's diagnosis, my dad was diagnosed with stage 1 prostate cancer. We have zero history of cancer in my family by the way. He lives on the other side of the world and luckily I was able to see him after his surgery for some of recovery. All went well, but he was in clear pain and distress for several months. He has a temper and this exacerbated it. We have a fractured relationship.

Everyone was suffering and falling apart in various stages. Looking after everyone back to back and simultaneously crushed and drained me over and over again. I have a high pressure 24/7 job, that involves travel and dealing with difficult personalities, and am often battling burnout. During this time I was going through a particularly stressful career transition, so juggling everything while being everywhere for everyone was exhausting. My mom just had her final follow up surgery and is in remission. She is not doing great physically, but will be ok. Her mental state is a disaster - she's incapable of having a normal conversation without it ending in tears, because of her pain, and can often be manipulative when I try to voice that I need space. It's been like that since everything started with my brother. I can't take it anymore. I feel broken and am shutting down. 

I'm relieved that my family is at the end of this chapter (hopefully), but I have never felt more shattered. I struggled throughout, while trying to hold it together for them and keep things moving at work, but didn't expect to crumble like this at what seems to be the finish line. On most days throughout the process I felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a dark and deepening pit wanting to scream, but knowing that no one would hear me. Now I feel empty, exhausted, and guilty that I'm currently having a hard time being there for my mom emotionally, but I don't have it in me anymore. I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I'm not sure if I'll get it back. 

I know what a majority of others are going through here is unimaginably worse, and I know I'm incredibly lucky that everyone is in remission. I'm not here feeling sorry for myself, but I have never spoken to anyone about how I've felt about this over the past almost 2 years and needed to put it out there.