Sad

Hi STG 

Greeting from another scientist - sucks ok, scientists generally I find are dreadful at looking after their own health/safety/welfare - just get the job done clearly is the most important thing. 

Talking with family sucks - but you found the forum - why does typing at a complete stranger work - who knows - except it does somehow - perhaps someone should do some research - probably in the UK that might fall to MRC or ESRC.

Are you unusual - if we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer - it might seem not, in fact rather "normal" in our strange new world of normality anyway.

With my wife's cancer - I broke - later I did a living with less stress course. I learned the skill of how to live in the moment because someday my wife will die - but equally it could be me, have you seen the accident rates on the roads? 

One of the tricks is to be able to step back from yourself - notice you are sad and accept that as a reasonable thing and then it loses some of the power it has. The most important thing I had to learn to be effective as a carer - look after myself - because when I am really needed I need to be there. I have a team that help me do that - Macmillan is certainly part of that team.

Hope some of that helps - one day I might even get to write a paper on this. Co-authors list might be a bit on the long side though.

<<hugs>>

Steve 

Hi SRC60

Thanks for your message. Writing on here, messaging others on the community and also reading other people’s posts has helped massively. I’ve thought about what you said and think you’re really into something with the whole, why does it have to be a family member that you talk to. Sometimes talking to a stranger can really help. I have been speaking to one person online who is in a similar position simply because they don’t have any family to talk to other than their sibling who in this case is unfortunately the one who is unwell, but who is similarly of a different disposition to them.

By talking on here (and reading your comment!!) and to them, I feel better able to speak to my own sibling and actually had a long call with them yesterday so feeling better than I have in ages and certainly since the diagnosis nearly 3wks ago! I can separate things out and talk about different things with different people so I can cope with him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write back!!! If you ever wrote that paper, do post and let me know!

Hi STG

You are allowed to be sad. We all do being sad in different ways but we don’t get to choose which way it is, which makes it tricky.
I am a retired health professional with 40 plus years experience in and around the NHS. I completely understand that who you are and what you know shapes your responses. Living for the moment is easy to say not always so easy to do.  Coming nose to nose with reality is a bit different from dealing with the statistics and prognosis from a distance.

My husband has inoperable oesophageal cancer, diagnosed in November, and I am finding the probable prognosis combined with uncertainty pretty tough. I have one grown up son in this country and one the other side of the world. I’m lucky to have supportive friends and family - some are more able to talk about likely outcomes than others. I’m learning to pick who to talk to when, and not to take responsibility for protecting their feelings on top of my own - it’s taking a while.  

l hope for the day when I can go to sleep or wake up not thinking about his diagnosis, or maybe dare I say it, both! 
Here’s a virtual hug - hope it helps a tiny bit