Sister with cancer

Hi Garcia 

Well - I hope you made an excellent first step by coming here. Most are going to recognize everything you say and indeed if we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer we can see how normal we are.

I know for me with my wife's cancer I broke - then I found help, some time off work with stress and then a living with less stress course that I found massively helpful. Sometimes stepping back and recognizing the feelings can help to stop them being overwhelming and it is a sort of trick we can learn.

One thing many carers have to learn is how to make space for us. At one point my doctor prescribed eco-therapy and when I asked "you what" he suggested going for a walk - it sounds bizzare but it really works. I go out walk, listen to nature and meet lots of lovely dog walkers.

Perhaps the other thing I might pick up on is this is now my normal life - not the one I predicted but actually my relationship with my wife is stronger than ever.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you Steve. Your message helped a lot. Honestly. I hadn't seen my life as a new life. 

Unfortunately, I don't think I can take time off though in the same breath I've had to force time out as my mental health has forced me to several times.

Noticing feelings to not let them overwhelm sounds excellent. I've done this before and it does work. I have a history of mental health. 

I think what I'm struggling with is how to designate time to my different roles and what boundaries are allowed including with my sister. I feel like when I talk like this I'm being selfish but then when can I have a life? Maybe I just shouldn't? 

Right now it just feels like chaos and the first thing to have taken the hit has been my self-care which was already extremely important as a single parent. I've gained half the weight I had worked so hard to maintain. 

I'm so fed up of complaining. I just want to find my new balance. 

Oh Garcia...

You have an awful lot to cope with and it is not surprising you are finding it hard. It's OK to complain.  It's OK to lean on people.  It's OK to struggle with the fact that you don't feel you have a life.  Most of us here totally understand where you are coming from.  

Who else is around who can support you a bit?  Do you have any other family around?  Or does your sister have any friends who you can talk to who might be able to help a bit? Perhaps get them to suggest that they meet up with her from time to time just to get you some slots where you can come up for air (or just keep other plates spinning).  I built good friendships with a few of my wife's friends when she needed a lot of support so that I could call them and ask them to check in with her.

It is OK to have boundaries, even with your sister.  It sounds like you are trying to be the best you can... but even with my wife I had to explain to her from time to time that I couldn't keep running at 100 miles an hour indefinitely.  She often found that hard to hear because it made her feel guilty that she was asking so much of me - but we needed to have the conversation sometimes - and ultimately she understood.  I'm sure your sister understands that you need time with your kids as well.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much.  Keep checking in here - if nothing else, we can give you a safe space to express yourself.

Big hugs...

Pete