I feel like I'm in Limbo

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer back in July 2022 at age 58, we were told it had spread to the bone (jaw, femur, pelvis), liver and possibly brain.

I admitted her to A&E early January 2023 with a suspected femur fracture (she was awaiting an operation to strengthen this at the time) and because I was generally concerned about her health, possible chest infection, she seemed delirious, not eating or drinking etc.

She is still in the hospital now. She was moved to an orthopaedic ward shortly after admission for a few weeks and was awaiting a bed on the Palliative Care Ward which finally came through a few days ago.

Monday they told me she was showing signs of nearing the death phase but she seems to have picked up a bit - apparently this is called rallying. They have since said they can't give me a prognosis as they need to do further observations.

I feel so many conflicting emotions. I feel guilty having her in hospital because I know she doesn't want to be there and she asks to come home but the have also been advised that the care package would not be enough for what she needs. I feel like time is running out and I don't know how to make the most of the time I have with her because she is sleepy a lot and I get too emotional when I try to tell her how I feel.

I don't know if she knows she is close to the end, I hope she doesn't because I don't want her to be scared.

I hate seeing her in pain, her meds have been increased and the pain is still getting through. The doctors and nurses are fantastic on the PCT ward, they are increasing the dosage as and when needed to keep her as comfortable as possible which is all I can ask for really.

I feel stuck in limbo. I just wish they could give me a definite timescale but I know they can't.

I took time off work last week to be with her and family that travelled up to see her but I feel selfish going back to work when all I want to do is be with her. It's horrible that the world goes on when your life is crumbling. If I could, I'd put my job on hold and spend whatever time I have with her at the hospital because I don't want to miss anything.

I feel lonely and I miss her so much even though she is still here. I just want to hug her like I used to but she is too frail.

I'm not looking for anything in particular in response to this post, I just felt like I needed to get some of this out. It's easier for me to write than it is to talk because I just cry. 

I hope anyone who reads this and is going through it as well is coping and talking and getting any support available that may help ️