Blame the patient?

Don't tell your partner, it will hurt her/him.Some people just like  blaming others 

Hi Suze1 

As they say you do not get to choose your family. They probably mean well I know mine do but they are not in our shoes and do not have to make the same decisions we do.

One thing I have learnt in our long journey with cancer - talk is good. One other thing I had to learn though was I cannot fix things for my wife so when she says she wants to talk about something it means just that. Men sometimes (even often?) feel that they are been asked to fix something and that is probably not possible and even if we went off and did something it would probably not be what was needed.

I find that is something the community really helps me with, funny how typing a message at a total stranger can feel so close.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thanks Steve 

Hey Suze1,

That sounds hurtful.  Mums can be tricky things.  I think people generally are a bit ignorant about cancer.  They are scared and don't want to talk about it, so they don't really understand it.  And then they say things that don't make any sense whatsoever.  Even if your partner had made some mistakes, that wouldn't make it OK for your mum to start blaming her.

But in the end... she's your mum... and you are probably going to want her support down the line.  She probably didn't mean what she said to come out the way it did and probably didn't realise that she hurt you so much.

I would let the dust settle and when you are ready to talk to her, pick a time when you are feeling OK and talk to your mum about the fact that what she said really hurt you - and why it hurt you.  That will give her a chance to understand what is really going on and maybe a chance to apologise.  Try not to tell her off (which might make her defensive and lead to a further agrument) - just explain that what she said hurt you and try to calmly explain why.

I hope you are doing OK.

Pete

I have been told in the past that when people are angry and frightened they are most likely to lash out at those closest to them - it is a 'safe' relationship to take that risk - these people are least likely to avoid you, or love you less, because of your action. This doesn't mean that she meant what she said, see it just as a raw cry from the heart. The fact that she 'NEVER' complains, suggests that she must have bottled up a lot over the years. If that's not the case, the change of behaviour could be a side effect of medication or a side-effect of cancer spread, particularly brain mets which often do follow mucosal melanoma, if that's what she has.

Wise words from Pete - I agree that you tell her about the incident and how it upset you in a calmer moment, perhaps encourage her to find ways to speak more about her own upsets one at a time in the future so that it doesn't build up again, into this sort of wave of emotion. I would only suggest telling your partner about the incident after you have had chance to talk it through with your mother, and can dispassionately explain the facts of what happened and what misunderstandings caused the upset, and then only if there is something that your partner could do differently either to support you or your mother better.

If that doesn't yield results then mention the mood change to her oncologist for investigation.