I love my husband dearly, but when he got himself discharged from hospital today, although I dutifully went to collect him, I was so cross with him I was nearly in tears.
I had always been worried about the recovery from this latest op, which was carried out on Tuesday. What I had seen in hospital on Wednesday had not looked like he was ready for home. The surgeon had said if recovery went really well he'd be out Friday.
But he was bored in hospital and determined to come home. He got his feeding tube removed and texted to say he was discharged.
When I went to collect him, if anything, he looked in worse shape than the day before.
I hadn't got anything ready for his return, what with work and hospital visiting, and keeping concerned friends and family informed - and my expectation he'd be home Friday at the earliest.
Coming home so fast has meant he hasn't had any dietician or exercise advice, he's come home without enough pain meds. I hadn't started making any special food for him.
Coming home when he did meant I couldn't go for my one evening out in the week, to choir, and I've had to tell work last minute that I'll have to work from home tomorrow, because I don't think he's well enough to be left home alone for the day while I'm out at work.
It would all have been so much easier for me if he'd come home Friday or Saturday - but that was not part of his thought process.
It feels so selfish on his part. And yet I know it is not really. I never explained to him quite how worried I was by this surgery and recovery from it, because I have to stay strong. The only hint I'd given about my level of worry before the event was met with surprise. He was doing as he saw fit to recover.
Maybe I'm just being too selfish. But it feels good to tell the Internet just what a rubbish day I've had because my husband came home from hospital so soon! Because of course I'll be telling everyone else what a delight it is to have him back again - which it is in some ways, it is terrifying in others - but it would have been better tomorrow or the day after! Choosing to come home then would have been a team effort to manage his recovery most easily. But everything about managing his cancer is his decision. I just pick up the pieces.
Rant over.
