My partner (31) has stage 4 bladder cancer (spread to his lung and lymph nodes) currently on a trial and was told that he would have 2 years at best. I am 28.
For some context.. my partner was diagnosed on 1/12/21 very soon after we began dating. I have been with him through everything, chemo which included complications/hospital stays, multiple surgeries to have the tumour removed and now the clinical trial. Once I found out I moved to be closer to him 20 days later so that I could be there to support him.
It has been a horrible nightmare since he started treatment with anything that could go wrong happening. From chemo leaking into his chest, complications after surgery and more.
As we had only just started dating before he received his diagnosis, I don’t know him pre cancer which is where my concern is.
I was previously in a long term emotionally abusive relationship which has made me realise what I will no longer accept in a relationship. This includes being yelled at, receiving the silent treatment over little things and having my opinions/needs being ignored to name a few. Through those years I learnt to be independent and value my time alone.
My partner is the opposite, he does not like spending any time alone (he has mentioned that he has always been this way) and gets incredibly upset if I want to leave the house to see friends or family. He is currently feeling better energy wise and is working/able to help his friend move/go to the gym etc but he refuses to help around the house.
I understand as best as I can that he is in pain and I try to be as helpful as possible but I am absolutely burnt out. He has never washed a dish (or put them in the dishwasher), cooked me dinner, cleaned the floors, helped with laundry, made the bed etc since I have lived with him (over 1 year now). We have had discussions about this and he has said that he only has 2 years left and doesn’t want to spend his time doing these things. He often says “you do it better” and “there’s no point learning new things” when I try to show him how to do something.
I try my best to get through most days but some days I am so overwhelmed and suffering from panic attacks but he refuses to do anything to help me. Even when I am like this there is still the expectation that I will make dinner, dessert, clean up etc.
He makes comments such as:
“We should clean this” (knowing that he means I should)
“I can’t do that, it’s not a tall person job” (I hear this multiple times a day)
“I don’t care how the house looks”
“It doesn’t need to be cleaned”
“Why don’t you try having chemo and see how you feel”
I have been yelled at for not wanting to spend my day off in bed next to him while he sleeps (he works nights), for not bringing his diary or meds to his trial appointment (he had them out for himself to bring), for not being able to go to 1-2 appointments in total because of my work schedule, for asking for help with things, dinner not being ready quick enough etc.
I am posting this because I need advice/to hear other carers experiences. I feel this horrible feeling of guilt for being disappointed that he doesn’t help me while at the same time I feel that I am being emotionally abused and used.
