My partner (31) has stage 4 bladder cancer (spread to his lung and lymph nodes) currently on a trial and was told that he would have 2 years at best. I am 28.
For some context.. my partner was diagnosed on 1/12/21 very soon after we began dating. I have been with him through everything, chemo which included complications/hospital stays, multiple surgeries to have the tumour removed and now the clinical trial. Once I found out I moved to be closer to him 20 days later so that I could be there to support him.
It has been a horrible nightmare since he started treatment with anything that could go wrong happening. From chemo leaking into his chest, complications after surgery and more.
As we had only just started dating before he received his diagnosis, I don’t know him pre cancer which is where my concern is.
I was previously in a long term emotionally abusive relationship which has made me realise what I will no longer accept in a relationship. This includes being yelled at, receiving the silent treatment over little things and having my opinions/needs being ignored to name a few. Through those years I learnt to be independent and value my time alone.
My partner is the opposite, he does not like spending any time alone (he has mentioned that he has always been this way) and gets incredibly upset if I want to leave the house to see friends or family. He is currently feeling better energy wise and is working/able to help his friend move/go to the gym etc but he refuses to help around the house.
I understand as best as I can that he is in pain and I try to be as helpful as possible but I am absolutely burnt out. He has never washed a dish (or put them in the dishwasher), cooked me dinner, cleaned the floors, helped with laundry, made the bed etc since I have lived with him (over 1 year now). We have had discussions about this and he has said that he only has 2 years left and doesn’t want to spend his time doing these things. He often says “you do it better” and “there’s no point learning new things” when I try to show him how to do something.
I try my best to get through most days but some days I am so overwhelmed and suffering from panic attacks but he refuses to do anything to help me. Even when I am like this there is still the expectation that I will make dinner, dessert, clean up etc.
He makes comments such as:
“We should clean this” (knowing that he means I should)
“I can’t do that, it’s not a tall person job” (I hear this multiple times a day)
“I don’t care how the house looks”
“It doesn’t need to be cleaned”
“Why don’t you try having chemo and see how you feel”
I have been yelled at for not wanting to spend my day off in bed next to him while he sleeps (he works nights), for not bringing his diary or meds to his trial appointment (he had them out for himself to bring), for not being able to go to 1-2 appointments in total because of my work schedule, for asking for help with things, dinner not being ready quick enough etc.
I am posting this because I need advice/to hear other carers experiences. I feel this horrible feeling of guilt for being disappointed that he doesn’t help me while at the same time I feel that I am being emotionally abused and used.
Hi all,
I know how hard this can be - and I know I broke. There is lots of good advice in Your feelings when someone has cancer but I came to recognize I needed some help.
At one point I managed to get on a living with less stress course. Perhaps the most important part was learning to live in the now - I was kinda trying to work out how I will cope when... and forgot enjoying our lives day to day. Still somedays might be bad but overall more good than bad. Still of course life likes to throw us a curveball out of the blue - the conscious breathing exercises are great and dealing with those. Transcendental mediation though did not really work out for me.
One way I deal with stress now is going for a walk, especially if it can be out in trees and stopping and listening, noticing the world moving on. Good to have someone to talk to - or even just type on here. It hurts we know.
<<hugs>>
Steve
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Hey there fellow carers hope I’m doing all this correctly & that my reply gets to the forum & not just disappear into the ether.My husband has cancer ,which is under control & being dealt with by a wonderful team of oncologists, the cancer also affected his spine resulting in emergency surgery & which has left him with a lot of mobility problems which affect him both physically & mentally.Alot of the independence he once had has now gone.Both of our lives as with every single other person who has experience of this awful disease in whatever form it takes ,changed drastically & irreversibly overnight,One minute we were celebrating our well earned retirement buying a motor home & planning our routes through uk & Europe , buying bikes, looking at saga cruises 
all grand stuff. Suddenly in the blink of an eye we were thrown into the bewildering & terrifying world of bloods, scans, chemotherapy, surgery, oncology departments, Red Cross , carers , MEDS ! These were words we only ever heard in connection of ‘other ‘ people ., when we would shake our heads & say oh isn’t that awful, feel so sad for them , that’s terrible.
Well guess what ? nobody’s immune & your world can just stop! Forget plans, ideas, dreams, wish lists , they’re all gone with the uttering of 3 little words, You Have Cancer…….BOOM !!
After the initial panic, floundering around, blindly just going & doing what your told, scouring the internet for a treatment that you imagine for a blissful second your doctors & nurses might be unaware of that could pull you out of the nightmare your living in, watching your beloved partner in pain , in fear, in bewilderment at what’s happening to them & standing on the sidelines trying desperately to take it all in , remember what your being told , important timings of meds, infection control, when its bad enough to be blue lighted to hospital when it’s ok to be sorted out at home, tackling the strange new world of benefits & social care , how & where to get help at 2am when your partners delirious with pain or fever .My lovley fellow carers the list as you all know could go on & on & then on some more, but this gets us nowhere fast . So we can only embrace the good days when our much loved other halves realise that we are doing our very very best to give them comfort & support & above all love at a time when they are at their most vulnerable, & that a simple thankyou for that lifts us right up above & beyond the rainbow & carries us through the days when we need to keep our heads down show the patience of saints & bite our lips & cry silent tears when we are accused of not caring , or blamed for NOT having cancer & being told we don’t know what it’s like .
Well no , we don’t know what it’s like because they’re right we DONT have it, but we DO know the pain of watching the person we love , our best friend , our support system our sidekick ,our world disappearing before our eyes, which is what’s happening to me & other people caring for partners or family members with cancer right now.
As a carer you do get fed up of being treated like crap (apologies)we,re only human , but , fellow carers , we find a strength we didn’t know we had , we dig deep when the going gets rough , we stick it out & fight on for our loved ones & hopefully find solace in the fact that there’s a whole silent army of other carers out there who know exactly how it feels to be cancers whipping boy.
So my lovelies , any carers out there still reading this who haven’t lost the will to live, sorry I ended up on a bit of a ramble , know this & let it sink in,
YOU are doing a great job, YOU are worth your weight in gold, YOU are a great person,YOU are stronger than you think YOU are worth it, & YOU deserve some time out for yourself don’t feel guilty or under pressure to be on call 24 hours a day YOU need & deserve to be YOU.
Again , apologies for the ramble.
Hello yummymummy 38 
blooming heck you’ve got your work cut out there my darling
️don’t ever think you’ve got no one to talk to darling we are all here , you have a whole army of unseen friends who know & totally understand exactly what your going through & how your feeling, you will face no judgement on this site.I felt SO much better for having a rant online the other day it’s the first time I’d ever done anything like that, nothing much has changed I didn’t expect it to because the situation as it is , is still there , but the response I got from people who I will probably never meet were so warm & supportive & comforting , that I just felt massively better for just putting my thoughts into words & then sending them off into the ether , it’s like I was throwing my troubles away albeit for a short time, & it felt great ! So don’t stop writing it all down & getting it off your chest it’s way better than bottling it all up , you’ve got enough on your plate without adding to it. So keep going yummymummy38 we,re all behind you & you will ALWAYS have someone to talk to , YOU are a great person & YOU are NOT alone 
