I just feel numb

Hi AmandadePanda 

For me "living for now" took doing a course with Maggies on living with less stress. I came to realise that I was living all the time thinking how would I cope in this black future without my wife and it was blocking me appreciating what we have. In a slightly bizarre way I was helped by a big accident locally where 6 people were killed at work - helped me realise that nobody really knows what tomorrow will bring.

Also on the course I learnt conscious breathing exercises that are great for helping when life throws a curveball at us but also for general relaxation and getting some sleep - something that had been a problem at times.

You are really, perhaps unfortunately, rather normal coping with a very extreme life event in the best way you now how.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you for reading and replying.  I just feel I should be better able to get on with it!  Maybe it's just today

Hey AmandadePanda...

Please try not to beat yourself up. You aren't unusual - we all struggle every day and that looks a bit different for everyone.  There is no "should".  And you have correctly diagnosed that there are good days and bad days.  You just have to ride out low points on the rollercoaster.

You say "I think how long will we live like this then my heart breaks with guilt of thinking of a time beyond now."  I absolutely recognise that feeling.  Caring for someone for any length of time is a huge strain.  To be honest, some days the only way I could cope with my wife being terminally ill was to plan for life after she was gone.  And that felt awful - it didn't mean I loved her less, or didn't want her around - only that I knew my owm limitations and that I wouldn't be able to keep caring indefinitely.

You have a perfect right to be a mess.  I am sure you have been told to make sure you are looking after yourself as well.  Hopefully you have the opportunity to call in the reinforcements so that you can get some time out of the pressure cooker from time to time.  You might also consider counselling, just to talk about your feelings with someone outside the situation.  I managed to get counselling through our local hospice and found it very beneficial - and it certainly stopped me expressing my frustrations to the people around me who weren't really in a place to hear them.

I hope you have had a better day today.

Pete

Thank you so much. Just hearing 'I recognise that feeling' is a huge help and reassurance.  Thank you