Looking after my nana with cancer

Hi Lillaura1985  and welcome to our community though sorry to hear about your nana.

A good start in coming here and thanks for sharing as other will really get where you are. Posting here can be really helpful and of course there are people out there waiting to help you - because caring is hard. Carers uk is a specialist charity concerned at making sure us carers get the support we need and then here we have access to many support services via our in your area tool and of course you can post on here whenever and ring the helpline too.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Laura,

this is a sad and challenging time for you and your family. You will be grieving already and wondering when and how it’s going to happen as you see your Nana decline as you say. 

Thinking of what has helped me with my husband’s terminal prostate cancer is definitely this forum. Also reading about anticipatory grief and how it affects us. I found YouTube good for that. Also Hospice Care with Nurse Julie on YouTube has helped me because she talks about caring for loved ones at home which is for the benefit of carers who are asking her questions.

good luck Laura and do look after yourself too.

love from Louli xx

Thank you, I find it hard to talk about and I'm finding hard to come to terms with her being in end of life care. What makes matters worse is I'm constantly on tender hooks everyday as she is living in her house with my grandad while in end of life care. She is gradually getting worse in front of my very eyes and I've seen the decline in her. I don't know how long I have with her let alone the rest of the family.

It's soul destroying and it's hard to process alongside my mental health and my issues. 

Hope you are OK 

Speak soon love Laura xx

Thank you so much for letting me be a part of this community. I hope it helps me at times when I need a friendly ear of just to vent xx

Oh Laura...

It's really tough.  I'm so sad that you are having to face this stuff - but you should be super proud of yourself.  What you are doing is so important.  No-one can look after your nana like you can - what an amazing gift you are giving her by looking after her so much of the time.  

Make sure you are accessing all the help you can from the palliative care / hospice team.  I found them a mine of information and support.  Even just knowing that I could pick up the phone if I needed to ask a question, was so helpful to me.  They are there for the whole family.  They couldn't do their job without you playing your part - so they should be more than happy to answer any questions and point you to any other support that is available.  You may be able to access counselling through them as well.  I got counselling from our local hospice and I found it really helpful in processing my upset about my wife's illness and death.

It feels like an awful thing to say, but the dying process is almost certainly not going to be as bad as you think it is.  Your nana will most likely sleep more and more and will not be conscious enough to really have to deal with it.  It will be more of a fading away - all the things you are struggling to do at the moment will become less important and you will be able to focus on just being with her.  

And there will be a life for you beyond this current challenge... you will get through it.  And knowing that you have done your utmost now is one of the things that will really help you as you grieve.

Keep going... we're cheering you on...

Pete

Thank you Pete, that really means a lot to me. I think the reason I find things even harder is because my nana has basically been a mother to me from when I was young and things have happened in my life that shouldn't.

I am struggling to face facts that at some point she won't be here with me and cant have them cuddles no more. My nana is my hero and deserves the best care ever but seeing her and trying to make her the happiest I can is so so hard. I just hope I do enough for her.

So hard to explain how I feel nor understand myself.

Thanks Laura

Hi Laura,

I suspected you might have had a particularly close relationship with your nana.  That does make it exta tough.

I had this conversation with someone on here a few weeks ago.  Let me set your mind at rest... how ever much you do, it will never feel enough.  And pretty much the same conversation with my counsellor in November.  "I'm doing everything I can... she deserves better... it's not fair on her..."  Caring for someone is a heroic job - and especially exhausing when you love that person deeply.  Again, all I can say is that knowing you have done your best is one of the things that will help you to cope later on.

Please try to look after yourself as well.  I know that is really hard.  But you can't keep running at full speed all the time.  And I suspect you are pretty busy even when you are not looking after your nana.  Try to put down all the things that can wait and get someone else to be with her for a few hours a week if you need it so that you get a bit of time on your own away from the situation and all your other busyness.  That will give you the headspace to look after your nana better when you are with her.

And I'll offer again the wise advice I got from a GP when I was running ragged... If someone offers help, just say yes.  People want to support you and if what they have offered doesn't appeal - just think of something else you would like them to do.

Big hugs...

Pete