Working full time with Husbands Pancreatic cancer diagnoses

Hey Chrissie...

That sounds really tricky. I had to have a few blocks of time off to look after my wife. I didn't like it and I felt guilty about it, but the business is responsible for looking after itself. 

I am sure that if you go back you the doctor and explain how you are feeling they will sign you off for longer, if that is what you want/need. Or you can get them to sign you onto reduced hours (two or three days a week) if that is all you can cope with just now. I used to get rolling sick notes for one month at a time. Eventually (check your contract) you will get put on to statutory sick pay, but you shouldn't lose your job. (Though smaller companies sometimes engage in shenanigans.)

Or, as you say, if you can afford to go part time, do that for a bit. I dropped to a four day week for a few months in 2021, just so that I could get some dedicated time with Fi and keep up with the house work. The company just gave me unpaid leave because it was easier than arranging a contract change.

Hopefully you have a good relationship with your employer and can talk them through your struggles. Just like everyone else in my life, my employer was very keen to look after me and my wife once they realised what we were struggling through.

Meanwhile, try to make sure you get some time for yourself. It's a marathon, you need to look after yourself as much as possible.

Pete

Thank you so much Pete for taking the time to reply to me. 

i just don’t know what to do for the best. Generally my work is ok and has let me work from home 1 day every. Two weeks but I can tell they don’t like it. They expect work to be done in the office and I need three screens to do my work which I don’t have at home only a laptop. 
ideally  I would like to do three days a week until we know what’s going on with the diagnoses. next eeek we should have a better clue. But wanted to see what other options I had or what other people done to look after their loved ones. 
If my partner is still on full pay can I get a Carers allowance or should I go part times. I’m not sure if I could get all my work done on a p/t hours basis. 
i just don’t know and can’t make a decent judgement as I’m so tired.

Hey Chrisid...

Of course you are tired.  And even simple decisions are hard to process when you are tired, let alone stuff like this. Just don't start beating yourself up about it - you are doing your best in a difficult situation.  Also, if you are like me, your mood and energy will vary on a day to day basis - so you may feel better able to think straight tomorrow.  So don't feel like you need to answer everything all at once.  Especially if you will have a clearer view next week.

My instinct is that you should have a conversation with your GP about how you are feeling and see what they think.  I suspect that if you did their stock mental health assessment you would register as fairly high up the stress scale and that on that basis they would be prepared to sign you off to part time for a month (or full time if that is what you ask for).  That would give you some flexibility to attend appointments with your husband and also gather your wits a bit at home.  I think being signed off part time also makes it very hard for your employer to put you onto statutory sick pay (though I'm not an employment lawyer!).  Also, note that the fit note says (for example) "you may be able to work up to 3 days a week" - you don't actually need to do all the days that it specifies, and your employer can't complain if you don't.  (Still not an emploment lawyer.)

Another option might be to borrow some screens from work to take home?  (i.e. Pretend there is a global pandemic raging?)  But, truthfully, I found working from home was often just as stressful.  It just meant that I could simultaneously feel like a crap husband and a crap employee. :)

In any case, once you have thought about what you want to do, I think it is worth sitting down with your employer and explaining to them your thought process.  That might engage them with helping you to solve the problem, rather than just looking for issues with ideas you have come up with. My employer was one of my greatest supports in the last three years.  I hope yours will be too.

And, as you know (at least when you are not too tired to think straight), if you drop to part time, your workload would have to drop as well - so don't take that worry on.

The eligibility rules for carers allowance (www.gov.uk/.../eligibility) suggest that you have to be earning less than £132 after tax and your husband has to be on a number of benefits.  I never qualified, because my employer continued to pay me throughout Fi's illness (though she was on PIP for the last six months of her life).  If you want advice from someone who knows what they are talking about, you could try citizens advice (though they aren't the quickest to respond).

Hope that helps a bit.  Again... please slow yourself down and don't try to solve everything all at once - you just need to do enough to keep yourself afloat right now... put down any extra responsibilities you may have while you sort yourself out - people will understand... and call in the reinforcements if you can - don't say no to any genuine offers of help or support.  You'll get through this.

Pete