How do you cope?

Oh Polly. I don't know what to say. Talk to all of your close family and friends about your fears and emotions. Talk to your sister as well. By talking you may find that you will rationalise the situation. It is a horribly difficult situation but for your sister you can rationalise and support. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I’m very sorry to hear about your sister and how much she has been through. 
My husband has stage 4 lung cancer and is in hospital for the 2nd time in a month as he caught covid. Thankfully he’s pulled through and looking to come home in the next week. He has gone from being really well and quite fit despite the cancer to very weak and frail. He had started chemo for the 3rd time but that has been suspended and my biggest fear is that he’s too weak to carry on with that. 
I really don’t know what advice I can give. So much has happened in the last 4 years, my own breast cancer and I lost my dad this year, I just deal with what ever is in front of me for now. We’ve had a lot of difficult conversations in the last few weeks which I can deal with very matter of factly but when we talk about us as a family I feel so upset and the tears come. It’s good you’re not bottling up the emotions as it will catch up with you. It sounds like you’re doing your very best and you can’t do more than that. It’s a very hard thing to go through and if you need support please try the nurses at Macmillan or if you have a Maggies near you. Sending you lots of love xx 

Hi Polly, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister.  I think it’s the feeling of impotence and just a bystander while also trying to be supportive, kind and patient.  It’s natural to just want to try and help and to make things better, but there are times when we can’t  - and that’s when all these thoughts invade your every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment.  You have probably heard the expression “Put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help those around you” - so make sure to take care of yourself too.  Speak to your GP about how you are feeling.  It may be you need to chat to a counsellor or perhaps take something mild to help you cope.  You may be offered other techniques to try.  It’s a horrible and dark place to be and difficult to hold onto hope or to think rationally.  But this place is where you can cry and vent and have people listen who understand.  Hugs. xx

Hi Polly99 

My wife was diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma about 7 years ago. In some way it was a relief as she had been ill for such a long time.

I struggled, I broke and finally I reached out for help. My first step was the Maggies at my local hospital. Best part of an hour later, and a full box of tissues down, I formed a plan for the next couple of weeks.

Later I did a living with less stress course. I came to realise that I was living in fear of the future all the time and it was stopping me enjoying our time now, a very common feature of a loved ones cancer is the grieving for the future we imagined. Life also still likes to throw curve balls but the conscious breathing techniques we learnt can help with that - the old saying "take a step back and a deep breath" - well there is actual science behind that. Transcendental meditation though tended just to make me laugh.

I attended a friends funeral last year, the celebrant said "grief is the price we pay for love" and that really resonated with me.

Being on here though is great - we all know it hurts and we can sometimes help each other feel "normal" - even if being in pain is normal.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice..

I'm really struggling to take it all in. It's only been a few days. I've got an appointment with my Counsellor on Thursday, hopefully that will help. 

I will talk to friends too.

Thank you Lucy, 

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a tough time, personally and with your husband.  Sorry to hear that you lost your dad too. I lost my lovely dad seven years ago so I know how it feels. Sending you my love ️

I'm going to reach out to Maggies and our local hospice on Monday as I know that I can't deal with this on my own.

Xx

Thank you so much Steve. 

I'm sorry you went through it, it must have been so hard for you.

I'm inspired by what you did by doing the course and when I'm ready it's something that I will look into. Can I ask where you did/found the course please? 

Re feeling "normal" that's what I am longing for but I know it's going to take time.

Sending you my love.

Polly

X

Hi Polly,

The course I did was run by Maggies, similar courses are available from other places too but the Maggies one had the "plus" that we were all people affected by cancer - mostly carers.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you.  I've left a message for our local Maggies centre to call me back.