Mum's ill and Dad is overwhelmed by household responsibilities

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Hello there

Not sure where to start really. My brilliant mum (65f) has been diagnosed with incurable stage 4 lung cancer which has been such a shock to us all. I'm (29f) an only child and it's always been just my mum, my dad (63m) and I.

As my mum's illness has progressed and she has been getting weaker and more tired, the responsibility for all household chores (washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc) has fallen on my dad. They've always had a very traditional (but dysfunctional relationship) with household roles, with my mum taking care of everything while working, and my dad working full time.

My dad...is trying but frankly he's overwhelmed. I live 100 miles away with my partner and find myself coming home basically weekly to support mum and make sure things are ticking over, usually non stop cooking/cleaning etc for 3/4 days. I'd love to be spending more quality time with her but there is just so much to DO. I'd have more patience with my dad if he genuinely tried but he lacks patience, doesn't have the attention span to be shown anything and has always been an exceptionally messy and disorganised person, which my mum has kept at bay.

When I go home, piles of paperwork are creeping up everywhere, piles of clothes that I can't work out are dirty or clean, and there's always random tools and keys left around (he's a handyman). Bills etc are always paid, he just has so much STUFF. I just want to go in and be brutal and chuck things out, so the environment is less chaotic and stressful for mum, and so other things are easier. She's getting snappy with him understandably and is frustrated she can't just sort things herself. She hasn't even started treatment yet.

Any advice on how to manage this or anyone in? My parents are very private people so having people in the house is a no-no. I do a lot when I'm there but falling short of putting my own life on hold, actually moving back home and having everything fall on me, I don't know what to do and after having a very dysfunctional upbringing, my mental health is always drained after spending several days there. This is whilst Mum is here and I will do everything to support her but I dread to think what things might be like with Dad when she's not here.

L8girl57 over 1 year ago

Maybe you'll have to introduce the idea of someone popping round to see they're alright first of all. Just for your peace of mind, tell them. Do they have any friends you can reach out to? A trusted neighbour? Let them get used to that idea. Then if there is somebody you could ask to do that, do it. Next step, introduce the idea that it would be nice for them to have a little help maybe twice a week, just to help you out. Let that thought stew for a while. Then ask if they've thought about the idea. Say how you would like to help out more but unable to and what about when you're ill or away? For your peace of mind, please can they consider a home help? Little by little. Just suggest, wait a while. Bring it up again.

Other than that, I can't see any other solution. Hope this helps.

Stargirl22 over 1 year ago in reply to L8girl57

Hi , totally get the disfunctionality of childhood effecting you when you return to your parents.

My situation was not dissimilar but it was my mother who was the non cook/messy whereas my father (who had cancer) was the cook and housekeeper even through his treatments. He refused any help and when he died my mother just spent more time out of the home and went to lunch clubs to eat and the house got more run down. I sat down with her and told her I wanted quality time with her and don’t want to spend our precious time cleaning, sorting and cooking. I arranged for meals on wheels, and once a fortnight for a cleaner (trusted and recommended) to come in and top and tail the house. At least I knew it was getting some sort of clean. I do hope this situation resolved and you keep healthy.

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Mum's ill and Dad is overwhelmed by household responsibilities