Wish I could shut my brain off

Hi, sorry to you're having to deal with this. And the doctors sound really insensitive - that way of telling somebody they're so ill is not ok at all. And you shouldn't have to be fighting for decent attention.

I'm no expert, but you might find it helpful to read about anticipatory grief - where you sort of imagine the awful future before it comes. I've been there! It might be different for you but I find it easier to try to enjoy whatever good things we've got now.

If you can, find ways to do things for yourself and step away from the worry - that way you'll be stronger for your dad when you need to be (I zone out completely on Strictly, gives me a break once a week...) And do get some support - from Macmillan's helpline, or your Maggie's Centre, or specialist nurses - they are amazing and helped me so much.

It sounds as though you and your dad have a great relationship and that's worth its weight in gold, how wonderful you had a holiday together so recently.

Hi AM123!

Welcome to the club! although it's not one I would recommend. My husband got the devastating news yesterday that he has a cancer spread into his pelvis and a slight showing on his lung. He has been on maximum CAPOX but doesn't seem to have helped quite the opposite in fact. His first 3 cycles were a breeze and he sailed through them but this 4th one just floored him. He got a CT scan two weeks ago and the oncologist `matter of factly` said to us `oh the cancer has got worse` just like `oh by the way the cancer has got worse`. So, he's not fit enough to carry on with the chemo at the moment because he has water retention in his legs and his blood tests have shown a slight decrease in his kidney function after it being normal over the last 3 cycles. They started him low dose CAPOX then upped it in cycle 3 and he went through it ok then 2 weeks ago he felt really awful and more or less stayed in bed all day. The oncologist has sent him home with a course of water tablets to get rid of the fluid and we have to go back and see him in 2 weeks when hopefully he will feel a bit better and hopefully, they will start him on something else. Yes, i definitely do get you with Christmas fast approaching I can see it far enough. I am 60 years old in two week's time but feel i've nothing to celebrate now. Just as well id decided I didn't want a party. Can't even think of Christmas usually this time of the year i'd be away in front organising gifts for people but just not feeling it and yes all you've been going through I'm exactly the same. can't even tell if my husband will he here next Christmas- this Christmas possibly. I can't sleep either last night was awful I was tossing and turning and up and down like a yo-yo. I'm just not interested in eating either and just eating for the sake of it and not really enjoying it and i get up in the morning and begin retching and my stomach is constantly in knots and I can't ( sorry to be so gross) poo properly. I never used to be able to cry at things but these last couple of days I haven't stopped, and it is bringing my husband right down and he is trying to say i'm making it all about me and he's the one going through it. I was this way last July when he got his official bowel cancer diagnosis and when we did finally find out, it was like a weight was lifted from me because I knew they were going to get rid of it because it was in the one place and hadn't spread. They did get it all and were confident they did but follow up tests this year in May and blood tests showed that his CEA (tumour markers) had risen again, and a further CT scan showed that the cancer was back. This time last year we were looking forward to getting rid of it for good never thinking for a minute it would come back again and now almost a year later we're back fighting again. You can't even escape it on TV because every other advert is a cancer one and the soaps have been running storylines on it which I have been refusing to watch.

Vicky

Thank you both. It’s such a rollercoaster this last 24 hours.

Yesterday my dad had a urology appointment where they talked about starting him on hormone therapy again, doing biopsies and TURP etc., which was a complete shock as the original urologist said categorically ‘no’ when I asked about hormone therapy. So I felt a bit better knowing that they thought it was worth some kind of treatment. Then today, the palliative care consultant came and started talking about hospices and filled out a DS1500 form, which I found out on this website is issued to people with less than 6 months to live, and I just completely freaked out. It felt like the only bit of hope I had been given was snatched right out from underneath me, in 24 hours. 
I fear for my own health as well tbh.I have CPTSD and a lifetime history of bouts of depression and I can just feel myself sinking lower and lower and I want to make the most of whatever time we have left, but also I jcannot fathom a future without my dad. I just don’t want to be here if he’s not. 

I get youI It's your dad. I was really close to my dad too I was a right wee daddy's girl. He died from metastatic lung cancer and COPD 10 years ago. He made his own decision though that he wanted no form of treatment at all. He got a full body scan in hospital at the time, and I think it showed it was right through his body. But that was 10 years ago and treatments have come on leaps and bounds since then. It was the cigarettes with him, and he was a terrible chain smoker and made his own roll ups. He would no sooner finished one than he would be lighting up another. My mum died of bowel cancer, so I think this is how I am so worried about Jay (my husband) we didn't know my mum had bowel cancer as my dad tried to hide it from my sister and myself, but my sister finally found out and told me. My dear dad eventually did go into a hospice and stopped smoking and thought he done really well until a doctor said to him 'great, but the damage is already done`. God Bless you AM I really hope you can get through this. Take Care.

Vicky x

Thank you, I wish you and your husband all the very best 

Please remember to reach out to the phone helplines. They're lovely they'll just sit and let you ramble on pourting your heart out. I went on yesterday and the girl I spoke to was lovely and tonight as well Jay and I had a really big argument over something and nothing and he went to bed and I sat here and had a right good hard sob to myself and then phoned the helpline as I just needed someone to talk to. Take Care. 

Vicky x

I can totally relate. My mum was diagnosed with Stsge 4 breast cancer just over 1 year ago. She was told in a very clumsy way   to the point for months I wasn't sure if she understood what would happen.   Mum didn't want to know timelines. But I remember the GP mentioning that a patient in a similar diagnosis had 2 years. Everyone constantly tells me how well she looks and how great she's doing. But I just can't let myself forget about Cancer. How much longer will she have? Because then I'd have to deal with the next bad news all over again. Living like this is so very strange. Feeling constantly anxious, on alert, thinking ahead but cannot plan anything. Feeling anger at the person I love so much, because they just seem in denial about everything. Angry with my Dad because he encourages mum's denial. It's a never ending limbo.