Hi Everyone!
I have been reading all your posts here and it sort of puts my issue into perspective and I feel a bit of a fraud now. Well anyway what it is, is I am supporting my husband who has recurrant bowel cancer. He got the operation back in January this year to have the tumour removed which had apparently been there for 3 or 4 years according to his surgeon but hadn't been anywhere and wasn't likely to go anywhere. He got his official diagnosis in July 2021 and just after had a bowel resection operation and now has a permanent stoma. He went for the op as I said in January this year, and the surgeon and her team were convinced they got it all out. I asked the oncologist at his follow up appointment in February if he needed to have any more chemo or radiotherapy session just to make sure it had gone- they did chemoradiation pre-surgery- and he said no because everything was clear they tended not to do anything that wasn't necessary. Then in May this year at his follow up appointment with the surgeon, she did blood tests and a few weeks later we received a letter to say his CEA markers had risen and they would be sending him for a CT scan which unfortunately confirmed the cancer had returned. The way the oncologist described it, he said that it was hard to detect at first on the CT scan, but they did eventually find it again in his bowel lining. Surgery has not been an option this time round so he has been going through chemotherapy cycles. Apparently, some micro cells can break away and form again and we are guessing this is what has happened with my husband. All his current tests have come back normal his liver and kidney function is nornal as are his blood levels. He also has type 2 diabetes, and his blood sugar levels have reduced also he has also lost weight which is good because he is `a big chunky bloke` and they are happy with his weight. This all sounds good you may wonder, and this why I feel a bit of a fraud writing this. The thing is, it has got to the stage where I feel he just does not want to do anything to help himself. When he retired from work 3 years ago, that was the time he found out that he had Type 2 Diabetes. Before that he attempted suicide due to overwork he said. You hear of people working to live, my husband lived to work, and he was always the `willing horse` at work and would do anything and everything nobody else wanted to do and his boss unfortunately used that to his advantage. He worked more or less 24/7 going out all hours of the day and night and then one time it just got too much, and he was going to run his van off a pier but just stopped in time he thought of me and our son and that's what stopped him. I got his to the GP and he got signed off work for a couple of months and he got counselling. So, the diabetes thing came up and we started to manage that going to the gym a couple of times a week and playing badminton plus adopting a healthy eating plan. Everything was going great until Covid happened and then everywhere and everything shut down. We managed to keep up the exercises at home, but they fell by the wayside a little. Then at the end of 2020 the cancer symptoms began to surface firstly with him going to the toilet more than normal. Then a colonoscopy a few months down the line (we were still in the grip of covid) showed `abnormalities` but at the time they couldn't say if it was cancer then MRI and CT scans were done and well, the rest is history as they say. He will hardly do anything around the house to help now. He will make meals i.e., lunch and dinner but that's about all. We used to share the tidying up but doesn't seem to want to do that. He won't even take our dog out now which would at least give him some light exercise and we used to share that too. It seems he won't go anywhere now unless it means going out in the car. He has got better though in coming round the supermarket with me to do the monthly big shop and sometimes we look after our little granddaughter, and she just loves her `papa` but even then, he won't get up and play with her and just sits in the chair with her up beside him. So that seems to be his day now he gets up sits and watches TV gets up to make lunch sits back down has his lunch watches more TV gets up makes evening dinner and basically just goes to sleep or to the loo in-between. I feel he could do more, but it causes arguments I've tried going round about ways, but he knows what I'm trying to do. I do get that this is a lot he has gone through I really do get it and it's been hell for the both of us over this last 2 years. We made a joke of Covid missing us, but this got us back with a vengeance and we did both get Covid to boot. It has been suggested here that he talk to someone on the helpline, and I said to him but he's not up for that and I did suggest the GP, but he doesn't want to think he will put him on more tablets as between his cancer meds and diabetes meds he's on about 14 tablets a day just now. I regularly go on the Bowel Cancer forum, and I have connected well with others there who are going through the same thing and if I get what I call a `wobbly day` I go on there and there is always someone who can lift my mood again and let me know I am doing ok although I just feel at times, I'm hopeless and unable to care for him the way I should. So other than just be there for him is there anything else I can do. Thanks.
Vicky.
Hi Vicky,
You are not a fraud - not at all - just like pretty much all of us on here trying to make the most of a next to impossible situation.
I broke, but I found people who could help put me back together again. If we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer I know I recognize a lot of the stuff on there. Then there is a feeling of "it is not fair" (life isn't) etc etc.
What helped me most was a living with less stress course, learning to live in the here are now was very helpful.
Retirement is often a big issue too, especially for people who through nearly all their effort at their work, it is not uncommon for relationships to come under strain when one retires until a new normal is established.
<<hugs>>
Steve
