My partner is home from a stay in the hospice. Our living room is now her bedroom and we (our 2 dogs and me) are sleeping with her. I know, as does she, that she is dying and I don’t think she’ll be here once October ends. I’m scared I’m not going to cope with all her personal care needs. They don’t want to give her a catheter as they are concerned it will create more stress/symptoms as she isn’t drinking very much. They put pads on her but she woke me at 2 this morn8ng already out of bed wanting the commode. She’s so weak and frail having watched the weight drip away (over 3 stone in 2 months) but is still taller and larger than me (I’m 5 ft and under 7 stone) so I’m not strong enough to lift her on my own. She said maybe I need to go back to the hospice but I know its not what she wants, or I and as I said we’ve got this far. We have 2 carers in every morning - so far a different 2 each day, and more often than not she has sent them away. I know I have district nurse team I can call on but it feels so lonely. Everyone tells you you aren’t but you kind of are if it’s hard to reach out.
the hospice has lovely people but I didn’t find them of support to me - they said when we went in ‘we’re here for you as her wife and carer’ but nothing was forthcoming. I actively asked and a nurse said I’ve emailed the counsellor but nothing. After my partner came home I got a call asking if I’d like any complimentary therapies. Shed been in there for 10 days and I had presumed that I would be offered this while I was visiting. It’s been a truly rubbish journey for her (from diagnosis to end of life care in under 2 and a half months) and without actually seeing an oncologist f2f. She’s asked me to put in a complaint and sue them ‘ when I’ve gone’. Hideous. I feel so close do being ‘done’. I know I’ll see this out as I made that promise so I will. And I will endeavour to get this right for her. I’m just scared.
